Mobile catcall

A WHILE ago author Deedee Cuddihy told us about a posh Leith cat named Mitzi, who comes running for smoked salmon when she hears a champagne cork pop. Today we present the further adventures of that same majestic moggie…

Always celebrated as a clever cat, it appeared, for a brief moment the other day, that she had actually developed the ability to speak, when words were heard emanating from the area of the sofa she presides over.

Moving closer to investigate this impressive achievement, her owners heard the following: "Press one if you are calling from England and two if you are calling from Scotland."

It seems Mitzi had sat herself down on a mobile phone, and her highly intelligent posterior had dialled the Covid reporting line.

Muscling your Musk

WE mentioned someone once believed that Elon Musk was a 1970s aftershave. Reader Debbie Beattie scoffs at this uneducated suggestion.

“Surely Elon Musk is the name of a challenging yoga position,” says Debbie. “You Elon your legs then Musk your shoulder muscles. Which is all rather strenuous, so I’d advise doing a series of warm-up exercises first. And, most important of all, never Musk before you Elon.”

Job jabber

A DIARY yarn about the struggles involved in bagging gainful employment reminds Ian Noble from Carstairs Village of being interviewed for a job. The personnel officer on the panel asked him to identify any bad points he had. Ian admitted he always felt obliged to be truthful.

“Come, come,” said the personnel officer. “I don’t think being truthful should be considered a bad point.”

“I couldn’t give a $*%@ what you think,” replied Ian.

(And, no, he didn’t get the job.)

Comedy careering

NOTICING that the Highway Code is being updated to allow movie watching in self-driving cars, the Diary is figuring out which classic flicks would be the most fun to tune into while rolling along the motorway, hands-free.

David Donaldson suggests that sophisticated British comedy classic from 1971, Carry On Round The Bend.

Space oddity

THOUGHT for the day from reader Bob Stacey: “When you buy a bigger bed, you have to give up bedroom to get more bed room.”

Moving advice

MADCAP malapropisms, continued. Brendan Keenan recalls that when he started his painting and decorating business he was continually advising customers not to move anything as he would deal with their curpets and farniture.

Musical musings

“I’M thinking of starting a band named Blankets and Duvets,” says reader Paul Spinney. “It’ll be a covers band.”

Read more: Does Elon Musk have a fragrant past?