Food for thought

PRECIPITOUS price rises are a great concern for our readers. Jim Morrison tells us he heard on the lunchtime news that due to various circumstances chicken feed has become much more expensive.

Jim adds wisely: “I don’t suppose it can be called chicken feed anymore.”

Chamber of horrors

THE Diary recently mentioned that our morally upstanding nation is rightly appalled by the revelation that a Tory politician was spotted watching videos of a less-than-salubrious nature on his phone whilst seated in the most important debating chamber in the land.

Reader Gordon Casely points out that there is something even more shaming than an MP caught on his mobile in the House of Commons watching porn.

And that’s a porn star caught on her mobile watching the House of Commons.

Sleep of reason

EXHAUSTED Diary correspondent Mary Rushton gets in touch to say: “I’m thinking of sleeping on my husband’s side of the bed tonight. Apparently from that side, you don’t hear the kids wake up at night.”

Mystery Mr

ONCE again we dip a toe into the world of madcap malapropisms, those occasions when the English language has been mangled, mutilated, minced and mulched.

A nervous reader gets in touch to whisper in our ear that although he would usually be happy to have his Diary contribution attributed to him, in this case, for the sake of marital harmony and physical survival, he prefers to remain anonymous.

With that being said, he adds that his wife once told him she needed to dilapidate her armpits.

She also once informed him that she intended to vote tactfully at an upcoming election.

Pints of order

ROD Stewart has been spotted out on the pull in Glasgow. To be more specific, he was spotted pulling pints in a busy boozer frequented by thirsty supporters of Rod’s beloved Celtic FC.

This unusual occurrence intrigues reader Grant Butler, who wonders if the helpful rock star was serving any special alcoholic concoctions. Babycham Jane, for instance.

Fatal attraction

THE strange things you notice while abroad. Visiting Canada a few years ago, reader Richard Dougherty spotted hanging from a wall a brilliantly astute poster which was advertising the work of a local night school.

On the poster was written: ‘What ever you do, please don’t join our class on reverse psychology.’

Dry humour

ANIMAL-LOVING reader Pete Delaney has a bird-brained question for us. “What,” asks Pete, “do you call a parrot with an umbrella?”

The answer, of course, is: “Polly unsaturated.”

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