Mystery miss

WHEN woke mobs started ripping statues from their plinths, the Diary wondered what could replace them, and truly there was only one possible answer.

New statues… of Lorraine Kelly.

Better yet, Lorraine’s wise and noble features could be carved into the side of Ben Nevis, much as the faces of several American Presidents are immortalised on Mount Rushmore.

She truly is the pinnacle of human perfection. Yet Boris Johnson doesn’t agree, for when asked about the Scottish broadcaster during a TV interview, the PM scandalously muttered: “Who’s Lorraine?”

Over on GB News, one admittedly excitable presenter is suitably outraged, with anchorman Dan Wootton saying: “Everyone knows Lorraine. She’s like Madonna.”

At which point the Diary gets itself into its own spot of bother, by muttering: “Who’s Madonna?”

Art attack

ON a train into Glasgow city centre, reader Stephen Barr glanced out the window and spotted what he can only describe as an example of self-loathing graffiti. Scrawled on a wall were the words "F*** street art".

Says Stephen: “That’s as illogical as Leonardo da Vinci scribbling on one of his canvases "Ambiguously smirking brunettes give me the boak’.”


FED up with footy, gleekit-eyed when it comes to golf, the Diary is keen to find a thrilling new sport to follow. Which is why we’re delighted to learn that the World Tattie Scone Championships is staged this Saturday at Nairn Community & Arts Centre.

No expenses have been spared, for competitors will each be provided with mashed potato and their very own spatula.

Alas, the Diary is grievously disappointed to learn that for their special ingredient, those same competitors are banned from adding a dash of booze.

(Sigh. Guess we’ll have to go back to pretending to enjoy kickyball...)

Brought to book

VISITING his local library, reader Kurt McGill asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia. She whispered back: “They’re right behind you.”

Taking the P

MADCAP malapropisms, continued. When the husband of Rosemary Parker was in hospital for a knee replacement, other patients in the ward were having difficulties with their waterworks after surgery. An old chap at one end of the room piped up: “Don’t worry lads, I’ve been here afore. If ye canny pee, they’ll gie you a temporary cataract.”

Deadly mistake

CLEARLY struggling with ongoing work, Glasgow crime scribe Denise Mina says: “It’s a bad writing day when men are dying after falling into commas.”

Streaming service

“I LOVE the scenery round mountain lakes,” says reader Jennifer Davis. “Some are absolutely gorges.”

Read more: Fowl play when it comes to food prices