Hot and bothered

ROCK musician Paul Simpson is a scouser who has recently moved to Glasgow, and he finds himself more than a tad perturbed by the culinary delights on offer in his adopted home town.

For the very first time he has been confronted by that darkened, doughy delicacy that is the well-fired roll.

Paul – who has played with several bands, including The Teardrop Explodes – notes that the rolls are promoted as being baked at a higher temperature.

“Higher temperature than what?” he wonders. “The surface of the sun?”

After studying the list of goodies that go into making each roll, he adds: “That's a long list of ingredients… for carbon.”

Soul trader

EARLIER this week Stewart Daniels from Cairneyhill was listening to his car radio, when Aretha Franklin’s 1985 hit ‘Who’s Zoomin’ Who?’ started playing.

At which point Stewart realised that not only was Aretha a fairly decent soul singer.

She was also an advanced economic thinker when it came to predicting the future of office work.

Travel arrangements

HISTORY teacher Ken Dinham was once explaining to a group of young scholar’s in Glasgow’s East End that British courts used to punish criminals by shipping them off to Australia.

“That wis pure daft,” piped up one young chap, who proceeded to explain his outburst.

“Australia’s way better than Britain,” he pointed out. “We shoulda kept the criminals here and sent everyone else o’er tae Oz.”

Traffic jamming

MADCAP malapropisms, continued. The uncle of reader Margaret Thomson arrived home from work a little bit late. He explained that there had been a crash on the main road, and the police had put an accordion round the accident scene.

Party animals

A DIARY yarn about roguish revelries reminds a Milngavie reader of the occasion when two female students from Dundee found themselves discussing a party that had been held the previous night.

“Aye, she passed out stotious ontae the flair,” said one of the young ladies, clearly appalled. “You could even see her nickers!”

Sounding a note of even greater disapproval, her friend replied: “Nickers? At a pairty?”

Dudley do-wrong

A STORY about a hyper intelligent cat reminds Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock of a dog he owned called Dudley, who could read.

Says Bryce: “He once saw a sign under a leaking roof in a public building, which stated: ‘Attention: Wet Floor’… so Dudley did.”

Delay date

CONSCIENTIOUS reader Beverley Connolly gets in touch to say: “Just a quick reminder for everybody. The second of May is Procrastination Awareness Day.”