Sport for all

SO the stripey green and white footy team won the league again. Or was it the non-stripey blue chaps who bagged the title? It was one or the other, at any rate. Isn’t it always?

Scottish football isn’t exactly known for its infinite variety. It’s more like opening a family-size box of Quality Street and only finding Green Triangles and Orange Crèmes.

No wonder so many Scots are losing interest in the kickyball cartel and are instead turning to The Herald Diary for their sporting gasps, groans and golly-gosh-did-that-just happen?!

In the following classic tales from our archives you’ll discover numerous feats of athletic achievement, including the chap who could easily have won Olympic gold in the discipline of Outrageous Cheek, which he executed to perfection whilst yakking on the blower to his main squeeze.

In another yarn, our readers will be on the edge of their seats as they learn about the triumphs and tribulations involved in snarky social media interactions.

There’s even a mention of the speed and agility needed to chap a front door, then skedaddle before the home owner answers. So brace yourselves sport fans, and make sure you don’t spill your pie or Bovril on this newspaper page.

Diamond geezer

A READER enjoying a quiet pint in Glasgow’s Sloan’s Bar before heading home after work, was shocked by, but also a little bit in awe of, the chap sitting further along the bar who answered his phone, out of which a female voice could be heard asking him where he was.

The chap replied: “D’you remember when we were walking through the Argyll Arcade and we stopped to admire a diamond eternity ring in the jeweller’s window, but we thought it was too expensive?”

Then added after a pause: “Well, I’m in the pub opposite.”

Face facts

A READER tells us one of the rules of social media. She explains: “You know you are losing an argument on Facebook when you are reduced to correcting the other person’s grammar.”

Kiddie talk

GLASGOW chat-up lines. A reader heard a lad in a city centre bar tell a woman: “I want you to have my children.”

Our reader thought that was pretty cringey until he added: “In fact, you can have them right now. They’re out in the car.”

Musical misunderstanding

A DUNDEE record store that also sold concert tickets once had a customer who asked: “What time is The Damned gig?”

“The doors open at half past eight,” said the assistant.

“Are The Doors playing as well?” asked the impressed customer.

Curious connectivity

“SOMETIMES I think the only reason I have a home phone,” said a woman in Byres Road chatting to her friend, “is to use it to find my mobile phone in the house.”

Bell and begone

“REVISIT your youth of ringing doorbells and running away,” said a frustrated reader who stayed in for a delivery, “by becoming a Royal Mail delivery driver.”