Hip replacement

WHILE waiting for a flight departure, a Milngavie reader found himself revelling in the opportunity to scrutinise, ie judge, his fellow travellers.

After a while he spied a particularly rotund young lady who wobbled past wearing a T-shirt sporting the phrase "I Love Hip Hop".

At which point our reader, perhaps a tad harshly, wondered to himself what had become of the missing letters ‘C’ and ‘S’.

Quality quizzers?

PERTHSHIRE comedian Joe Heenan makes a valid point when he asks: “If dolphins are so smart how come you never see one on The Chase?”

Matches and dispatches

LAST Saturday evening Stranraer taxi driver Alastair Clark had the pleasure of picking up two latter-day likely lads. While waiting for their lift to arrive they had spent some quality time in the taxi office, which is entirely staffed by female dispatchers.

This led to the following animated conversation in the back seat of the cab…

Likely Lad 1: See me? Those gurls don’t know what hit them. [proud] I was seducing them!

Likely Lad 2: (arch aside to taxi driver) His hips need chained!

Likely Lad 1: (suave, like a Stranraer Cary Grant) Aye, when we left, they knew they’d been seducted.

Lady be gone

OUR creative correspondents continue lopping letters from movie titles, in order to suggest better pictures that should have been filmed instead.

Recalling the cinematic adaptation of a famously raunchy novel, Barrie Crawford admits that he would prefer to watch a reboot that takes place after the shenanigans have played out between a posh gal and her not-so-posh gardener.

This movie would, of course, be titled Lady Chatterley’s Over.

Food for thought

SOCIAL media continues to be the ideal forum for serious, thoughtful conversations. For example, we were impressed by a young Glasgow lady named Gemma who was clearly in a deeply contemplative mood when she took to Twitter to ask: “See when they cook pigeon on MasterChef, is it just like a pigeon you get in Central Station, or do you get fancy ones?”

Animal tragic

SWEET-TOOTHED Deborah Harrison from Bridge of Weir has intimations of her own mortality when she tells us: “I hope that when I inevitably choke to death on a Gummy Bear, my friends will just say that I was killed by bears and leave it at that.”

Sleep of reason

PHILOSOPHICALLY-INCLINED reader Jim Hamilton gets in touch to ask: “Why is it that people say they ‘slept like a baby’ when babies wake up every two hours?”

Read more: Norse-code and a hair-raising message