MOST sensible newspaper columnists decry the demon drink. The Diary, however, has a more circumspect attitude towards alcohol.

This is partially because in our office we have not yet adapted to computer technology and still rely on ancient, rusty typewriters, which can only be lubricated by a generous application of single malt whisky each morning, which is poured into the inner workings of the machinery.

Single malts are expensive, of course, so we once tried drizzling cans of Special Brew over our typewriter keys instead. Unfortunately, the copy produced that day turned out to be unsettlingly tabloid, with references to soap opera plotlines and the amorous activities of footballers.

Meanwhile, our readers have been confessing that they share our interest in booze. Gordon Berry, from Ayr, recalls reading that binge drinkers are getting younger, which made him think to himself: “If that's what it takes to get younger, I'll give it a go.”

Shoddy reasoning

POET and novelist Sally Evans runs a bookshop and bindery with her husband in Callander, Perthshire. Having a bindery on premises means there’s usually spare leather around, which shop visitors try to scrounge for various reasons, including:

“It's to leave out for the fairies in Balquhidder, in case they want to make a pair of shoes…”

Nifty nickname

YET again social media gets to the crux of the matter, with a student at Edinburgh Napier University explaining on Twitter: “I don’t support the monarchy whatsoever, but today I witnessed someone calling the Platinum Jubilee the ‘platty joobs’, and I think it has to be the best thing that’s come out of it.”

More amour

OUR correspondents continue lopping letters from movie titles, thereby suggesting better films that could be made instead.

Gordon Casely wants to see a blockbuster about the romantic inclinations of a certain Number 10 resident, known for his wandering eye.

The movie would be titled… Love Tory.

Weighty matters

BORIS also likes to romance the past, for he is now promising a return to pounds and ounces. Upon hearing this, Diary correspondent David Donaldson realised that some valuable materials have continued to be weighed in ounces, even during the metric era.

He explains: “You never hear someone saying ‘He hasn't a gram of common sense', do you?”

Road to nowhere

FRUSTRATED reader Mary Green grumbles: “I was stuck in traffic for so long the other day even my sat nav said, ‘Are we there yet?’”

Hot stuff

“SUMMER’S almost here,” trills reader Roberta Davidson, “which means the rain’s getting warmer.”