THE Diary’s favourite (sorta) Scottish singer is Sir Rod Stewart. Unfortunately, he’s receiving derisory criticism for his weekend performance at the Party at the Palace concert, especially his version of a certain Neil Diamond ditty.

On social media Stella Creasy, who apparently dabbles in politics when she isn’t reviewing music, harrumphs: “Rod Stewart covering Sweet Caroline is like Chas and Dave doing Jimmy Nail's Ain't No Doubt.”

(P.S. The Diary is proud to declare we found no fault with Sir Rod’s performance. Then again, we didn’t watch the concert…)

PM proves popular

ROD wasn’t the only ageing blond facing a tough crowd during the platty jubes jamboree. Boris Johnson was booed during a public appearance, though Diary correspondent Mel Reid stoutly defends the PM, and says: “Surely the adoring crowds were yelling ‘Boo-ris… Boo-ris…’.”

Lobster carry out

THE Diary recently mentioned the theft of Michelangelo’s painting, Leda And The Swan, back in the 1530s. (We’re always topical, and first with an art heist scoop.)

We now discover another work of rare and timeless beauty has been pilfered, this time closer to home.

For we hear that Larry The Lobster, a lifelike model of a crustacean that usually enjoys pride of place in North Queensferry eatery, The Wee Restaurant, has been nabbed, most likely by a customer.

The Diary demands Larry’s swift return, and asks our readers to keep their eyes peeled for a shady figure carrying a fake lobster in one hand… and perhaps a pretty picture of a swan in the other hand.

(Now that WOULD be a result.)

Imprint of time

LAWYERS, it seems, do not mature like fine wine. For Glasgow solicitor Matthew Berlow says: “You know you’re old when you wear your glasses on your head for an hour and the dents on your skull last for a week.”

Cutting comment

A READER boasted of guzzling whisky before recycling it as feed for his grass. This inspires Gordon Fisher, from Stewarton, to pass on a tip for any lazy gardeners out there.

“I pour a bottle of (cheap) whisky over my lawn,” he says, “thus ensuring it’s half cut.”

Fur flies

A CERTAIN talking bear from darkest Peru made a surprise appearance with the Queen during the Platty Jubes celebrations. Glasgow comedian Mark Nelson says: “Priti Patel’s currently making sure Paddington is on a plane to Rwanda.”

Silent but deadly

“WHY can’t you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?” asks reader Helen Watts. “Because the pee is silent.”