Living doll

THE Diary remembers with nostalgic fondness the genteel old days of the 1980s, when "doing the robot" was merely an innocent attempt at a dance move in Cleopatra’s nightclub in Glasgow.

The phrase has now taken on more bawdy connotations, for we find ourselves reaching for the smelling salts upon being informed that humanised versions of robots, blonde of hair and blank of face, are to be sold as life-partners for the more desperate sort of male suitor.

These amorous automatons will be put to hard labour in the boudoir. More disturbingly, it seems they have been fitted with Glasgow accents.

Mechanically-inclined reader David Donaldson says: “What I want to find out is does she say, ‘Dae youse come here often?’ And does she draw the line by saying, ‘Gonnae no dae that?’”

Equine eejitry

AT Salisbury this week a 2.45 race was won by a horse called Cabinet of Clowns. Intrigued reader Liam McGuigan says: “I wonder how the owner managed to come up with such a ludicrous imaginary name?”

Regal ruminations

THE Diary hasn’t quite exhausted itself discussing Liz’s record amount of years loafing on the throne.

Russell Smith from Largs overheard one confused person, perhaps more Roundhead than Royalist, stating: “Whit’s a’ the fuss o’er the Queen’s plastic jubilee?”

Specs appeal

BORED reader Jane Griffin tried to persuade her husband to accompany her to the cinema to see Tom Cruise blasted into the skies in his latest flick, Top Gun: Maverick.

Hubby merely shrugged and resolutely refused to shift his bahookie from its comfortable resting place on the sofa.

“I’ve seen it all before,” he muttered. “Is it not just Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines plus some grinning eejit in aviator specs?”

Bird-brained badinage

ON a stroll along the banks of Loch Lomond, reader Iain McDermid spotted a group of wild swimmers taking photos of a flock of swans, comprised of mum, dad and nine little cygnets.

“Wonder why they stopped at nine?” said one lady swimmer.

“Perhaps mum is German,” suggested Iain.

All at sea

MANY years ago reader Bill Matthews presided over a hotel bar where a local estate worker was heard to announce that his landed gentry bosses were off on a PLO Cruise.

“No doubt Yasser Arafat was at the helm,” says Bill.

Rest his sole

A TRAGIC tale. Reader Lisa Morton gets in touch to say: “I was very sad to hear that the Dutch inventor of inflatable shoes has popped his clogs.”

Read more: The sci-fi fest and the cat people