Imperial decline
THE Roman Empire’s collapse is said to have begun when its territory was flooded by barbarians from the north.
It seems that a group of slightly less barbarous northerners are responsible for the disintegration of another over-mighty empire. At least according to novelist Neil Cocker, who says: “In 1995 I played in a Scottish teachers versus students game in rural Lithuania. They used Soviet tank camouflage netting for nets. We led 4-0 at half-time, then the hangovers kicked in, and we drew 4-4 and lost on penalties.
“It was the end of the decadent West.”
Queue quipster
WITH public transport severely curtailed, the Diary is enjoying dreamy recollections of those faraway days when not only could you hop on a train with little hindrance, you could also overhear some cheeky chit-chat.
Russell Smith from Largs recalls this delightful exchange, which took place in the Glasgow subway ticket queue…
“Maryhill, single.”
Next in line: “Pat Murphy, married.”
Mind your language
CONVIVIAL Diary correspondent David Donaldson recently got chatting to a retired civil engineer who had spent years with his family in the Libyan city of Benghazi. One of his sons attended the local American school where he had to read a chapter from an American novel for homework.
The lad soon stumbled upon unfamiliar words, and had to ask his dad what "sidewalk" and "garbage" meant.
These were easily explained. Then came the question: "Dad, what's a f***it?"
Dad floundered for an answer, so asked to see the sentence.
It read: "She walked into the kitchen and turned on the faucet."
Doors of perception
METAPHYSICAL musings from reader Ted Smith, who says: “When it's closed it's a door, but leave it open and it's a jar.”
Metallic manoeuvres
HAVING discovered that robots with Glasgow accents have been invented to be enjoyed in the boudoir, the Diary is now devising phrases that the amorous automatons can use.
Abigail Quinn saucily suggests: “Let’s gerrit oan, China. Time tae put a spanner in ma works…”
Marital misstep
WORKING as an English tutor for mature students in Los Angeles, reader Susan Davies came across a local newspaper story that she used as a teaching aid to explain the importance of comma placement.
A line in the article read: "A documentary has been made about country crooner Merle Haggard. Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall."
Ditzy death sentence
THE inventor of Chinese whispers has died, says reader Gloria Lynch, who adds: “May he test tinned peas.”
Why are you making commenting on The Herald only available to subscribers?
It should have been a safe space for informed debate, somewhere for readers to discuss issues around the biggest stories of the day, but all too often the below the line comments on most websites have become bogged down by off-topic discussions and abuse.
heraldscotland.com is tackling this problem by allowing only subscribers to comment.
We are doing this to improve the experience for our loyal readers and we believe it will reduce the ability of trolls and troublemakers, who occasionally find their way onto our site, to abuse our journalists and readers. We also hope it will help the comments section fulfil its promise as a part of Scotland's conversation with itself.
We are lucky at The Herald. We are read by an informed, educated readership who can add their knowledge and insights to our stories.
That is invaluable.
We are making the subscriber-only change to support our valued readers, who tell us they don't want the site cluttered up with irrelevant comments, untruths and abuse.
In the past, the journalist’s job was to collect and distribute information to the audience. Technology means that readers can shape a discussion. We look forward to hearing from you on heraldscotland.com
Comments & Moderation
Readers’ comments: You are personally liable for the content of any comments you upload to this website, so please act responsibly. We do not pre-moderate or monitor readers’ comments appearing on our websites, but we do post-moderate in response to complaints we receive or otherwise when a potential problem comes to our attention. You can make a complaint by using the ‘report this post’ link . We may then apply our discretion under the user terms to amend or delete comments.
Post moderation is undertaken full-time 9am-6pm on weekdays, and on a part-time basis outwith those hours.
Read the rules here