Broom-broom beddy-byes

TRYING to get a good night’s rest, reader Jenny Sewell was woken by her husband, who was making excitable noises in his sleep.

When Jenny shook him from his slumbers he explained: “I had a dream where I was involved in a car chase. It’s the most thrilling dream I’ve ever had.”

Wiping the sweat from his brow, he added: “D’you think I’ve been upgraded to a pay-per-view subscription?”

Washed away

IT’S with sadness that reader Peter Mackay informs us that the chap who invented the dishwasher died recently. “At the funeral they lowered the coffin into the grave,” adds Peter. “Then they pulled it back up and placed it in properly.”

Economical with truth

WHEN the world’s leading economists grow tired of parroting the words ‘macro’, ‘micro’, ‘demand’ and ‘supply’, they reach for their copy of the Herald, then eagerly flick to this column for inspiration.

Today that inspiration is supplied by Ian Noble from Carstairs Village, who says: “With the ever increasing cost of electricity, I would suggest that Diary readers save money by switching the refrigerator off at night. They’re not using it while they’re asleep, so it makes sense.

“Also, if they have a separate freezer, only fill half of it, thus using only half the power.”

Shelf-ish behaviour

THERE have been many saintly figures in history, including Mahatma Gandhi, Mother Teresa and Roger Moore when he had that hit TV show in the 1960s.

But none are as blissfully beatific as Diary reader Bob Jamieson, who performed a good deed at the check-out of his local Aldi.

“I was behind an old lady in the queue,” he reveals. “Her bill came to £51.60, but when she counted out her change, she had just under £50. She didn't want me to help her. But I insisted, and in next to no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.”

On the job

BUSINESS-MINDED Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie has been explaining to us how difficult it is getting the right candidate for a job. He recalls one chap who, when filling out the section on sex in his application form, proudly wrote: ‘Once.’

Smart thinking

WE’RE devising alternative definitions for ‘ologies’ to study at university. David Donaldson reveals that nanotechnology is the study of methods to teach old women how to use their smartphones properly.

Dodgy disease

“I HAVE a rare condition that means I have to take a tablet ever day,” says reader Tom Fenn. “Sadly I’m no longer allowed in the Apple store.”