Mind your language

THE Diary recalls the days when the tactics of a footy game comprised a bunch of chaps scampering around on a pitch, while some other bloke in a suit yelled at them from the bench to run faster, tackle harder, and try to break a few shinbones before the half-time orange.

Nowadays the game’s more complex. You have people whose job titles sound incredibly grand, such as Marta Rams Aragay, who has been hired as First Team Performance Analyst at Aberdeen FC.

One thrilled fan has messaged Marta, saying: “Welcome rae Eberdeen quine, noo gaan n get yersel a puckle o butteries for yer brakfist.”

We assume that before Marta focuses on team performance, she’ll have to put in a serious shift analysing that message…

Cinematic snore-athon

THERE’S a game played on social media where film fans describe favourite movies in the most boring way possible.

Diary correspondent Ben Warrillow suggests: "Pub owner bumps into ex-girlfriend."

The flick Ben’s referring to is, of course, Casablanca.

Dancehall daze

WE continue celebrating things from the 1970s that were a bit rubbish. Gordon Fisher from Stewarton recalls John Travolta playing Tony Manero in Saturday Night Fever.

Which is a splendid memory; nothing rubbish about Mr Travolta in his pomp.

Unfortunately the 10-year-old Gordon decided to replicate the great man's gyrations at a church dance.

“Mum sent me to the discotheque wearing my school shorts and pink shirt,” says Gordon. “Tripping the light fantastic, my hip-sways and pointing-from-waist-to-ceiling moves met with howls of laughter, which I mistook for encouragement, making me all the more ‘expressive’.”

Alas, Gordon’s nine-year-old girlfriend dumped him afterwards. He still hasn’t regained his sassy swagger, proving there are some fevers from which you can never recover.

Poetic puzzler

“WHAT’S the difference between facts and mobile phones?” asks Neil Sinclair from Paisley. The answer, he explains, is facts are "chiels that winna ding", as poet Bobby Burns taught us.

Whereas mobile phones ‘ding’ all the time.

Sob story

THE Diary is replenishing the stock of books we keep in our library. Reader Larry Cheyne suggests we purchase a copy of Things Are Pretty Bad by Evan Elpus.

Louche leader

READER Hugh Clark from Milngavie says that if a certain Ms Truss had an extra "t" at the end of her surname, and becomes the next Conservative Party leader, our nation would have the perfect example of nominative determinism.

BoJo bye-bye

MORE politics. “Why is Boris Johnson like April?” asks reader Jennifer Hines. “Because he didn’t last as long as May.”

Read more: Trouble with the gull fiends