Dead reckoning

OVERHEARD in a Newton Mearns coffee shop by reader Rebecca Townsend…

Elderly Lady Number 1: Remember Albert?

Elderly Lady Number 2: Of course. Lovely man. Always so witty!

Elderly Lady Number 1: Well, yes. That’s what I used to think. But he’s just no fun any more. I’ve bumped into him at loads of funerals, recently, and he’s not cracked a smile once.

Chickening out

THE Tory leadership contest is heating up and the nation is eager to discover who will be next to mess up in No

It could be Rishi Sunak, in which case we will all end up miserable and broke. Alternatively it might be Penny Mordaunt, and we’ll be broke and miserable instead.

Our optimistic readers point out that as bad as everything will undoubtedly get, it surely won’t be as hideous as their childhoods.

Winston Clarke says: “When I was a youth we were so poor we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick other people’s fingers.”

Rocky romance

THE Diary often worries that it is too entertaining for its own good. To counteract this bad habit, we have decided to play a game where our readers describe their favourite movies in the most boring way possible. Anna Porter suggests: “Man and woman don’t like each other, then like each other, then don’t, then do.”

The movie is, inevitably… When Harry Met Sally.

Phone alert

BOB Dylan is touring the UK for the first time in five years. During his travels the frazzle-haired froggy voice will be croaking his way to Glasgow and playing the Armadillo at the end of October.

Though there’s a catch. Anyone who wants to watch him live will have to dump their mobile phone in a bag beforehand.

Diary correspondent Stuart Powell says: “That’s incredibly unfair. How am I meant to phone an ambulance to deal with my mangled eardrums when Bob starts singing?”

Funny money

EDINBURGH comedian and writer Martin Bearne is in an aggravated mood. “So sick of them online scams asking for money,” he huffs, before adding. “If you want them to stop, simply send me £9.99.”

Book Nook nibbles

THE Diary continues to replenish the stock of books we keep in our vast library. Reader Margaret Thomson suggests: The Best of British Cooking by Iris Tew.

Liquid laughs

JET-SET reader Hamish Auld recalls being on a flight to Portugal and requesting a glass of water.

A cabin crew member replied: "Still?"

“Yup,” said Hamish. “Haven't changed my mind in the last few seconds."

Read more: When the chat is football crazy