THE Diary team is based in Glasgow, though we have embedded spies in every major location in the world.

For example, there is a chap reporting from the peak of Mount Everest, where he has been stationed for decades, though he rarely telegraphs us any topical stories.

In his last message, wired seven months ago, he merely said: “Rather chilly up here. Permission to come home?”

We nixed that suggestion, though posted him a pair of mittens.

Meanwhile, Diary correspondent Graham Sutherland reports from enemy territory (Edinburgh, of course).

At General Register House, in Princes Street, he spots a statue of Wellington with a traffic cone on its head, much like the Glasgow original.

This is concept thievery. As outrageous as London constructing its own Eiffel Tower.

The Diary demands to know who is responsible. Though being conciliatory chaps, we won’t punish the culprit, but offer a plum job instead.

For there’s a wonderful opportunity just about to open up in our Everest station…

Maiden… maybe

LAST weekend reader Tina Oakes was in Dundee city centre when she spotted two couples approaching each other.

One of the blokes shouted to the other: "I was waiting for you to call me last Friday."

To which the other chap replied: "Sorry, Jim. A man was in fixing my Virgin"

It was only after a few seconds of utter astonishment that the penny finally dropped, and Tina realised he just might have been referring to his broadband rather than a broad.

In the drink

WE hear rumours of a huge fiery ball heading to a sky near you. Which motivates reader Jim Kent to deliver this warning…

“IMPORTANT: During the hot weather drink lots of water. TOP TIP: It’s fine in frozen form, though you may need to smear in a whisky lubricant to make it more palatable.”

Holiday hell

WE’RE describing popular movies in the most boring way possible. Samantha Barnes suggests: Office worker takes much-needed motel break.

The film is, of course… Psycho.

Fruity faux pas

METAPHYSICAL musings from reader Gordon Casely, who asks: “Is it true that Adam and Eve were the first to ignore Apple terms and conditions?”

Brill Bolly book

THE Diary is replenishing the stock of books we keep in our vast library. John Robertson suggests we order… The Story Of Bollywood Films by brothers Dan and Roman Singh.

Tunnel vision

CONNOISSEUR of all things cartoonish, Derek Quinn, says: “It's disappointing that Wile E Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his impeccably realistic paintings of tunnels.”