Coarse corsair

BROWSING in a Muirend corner shop, reader Arnold Harrison spotted a father with his son, aged about six, talking to the chap behind the till.

The youngster had a fake tattoo displayed on his arm; the type often sported by dashing young fellows with a rebellious streak.

The shopkeeper nervously inquired if the boy was a pirate. The boy assured him he was not.

“Well, since you’re all grown-up with that fancy tattoo, why don’t you pay for daddy’s groceries?” said the shopkeeper.

The boy responded by thrusting out his tongue and blasting a rip-snorting raspberry.

“Must be a pirate after all,” shuddered the shopkeeper.

Lot of bottle

CHIVALRY isn’t dead in Scotland. It’s merely enjoying a centuries-long snooze.

Strolling with his sister, Robin Gilmour from Milngavie spotted a young couple.

The chap was breezily sauntering along, carrying what seemed to be his birthday card, leaving his female companion to struggle with a full tray of large water bottles.

Robin grinned cheekily at the fellow, then said: “I’ve always wanted to know what a girl with a six-pack looks like. She’s stunning. Happy Birthday!”

The bloke courteously thanked Robin. His companion was too busy hefting her back-breaking bottles to say a thing.

View askew

THE Herald recently published a letter debating the relative merits of the view of Arran from Bute versus Bute from Arran.

Gordon McRae says this brought to mind the Old Worthy from West Kilbride who had much wisdom to impart regarding the view of Ailsa Craig from the shore at Seamill.

He explained that if you could see Ailsa Craig it was going to rain.

If you couldn't see it, it was already raining.

Loopy lingo

THOUGHT for the day from Jennifer Pattison, who says: “The opposite of identical is opposite.”

Hot tip

THE sun has got his hat on, hip, hip, hip hooray! That’s what the stout citizens of Blighty once sang. Nowadays we’re advised to batten down the hatches, hide under the bed, and pray for the big, bad orange ball in the sky to leave us alone.

Russell Smith from Largs has some advice. “During the previous heatwave I took off all my clothes and opened the windows,” he says. “Unfortunately some people on the bus objected.”

Cinematic snoreathon

WE continue describing popular movies in the most boring way possible. Bob Jones suggests: Scrappy chappie has daddy issues.

The film is, inevitably… The Empire Strikes Back.

All washed up

“I USED to be addicted to bath salts,” admits reader Alan Scott. “But I’m clean now.”

Read more: Edinburgh steals a Glasgow concept