Hot and bothered

TRUE story. Once upon a time there was a huge, flaming orb whose home was in the sky. It was called the sun.

Being a rather snobbish flaming orb, it declined to spend any time hobnobbing with the grey proletariat clouds of Scotland, instead preferring the high society azure above the Mediterranean.

One unfortunate day in July 2022 the snobbish sun mislaid its sat nav, couldn’t find its way to Ibiza, and ended up hovering over Alba.

The people of Alba were delighted…

No, wait. That last bit isn’t true. The people of Alba were discomfited, outraged and terrified, demanding a return of dreich downpours and drookit raincoats.

Though one bold fellow on Scottish social media saw the constructive side, writing: “Advice to current Tory Cabinet members: treat this weather as a training drill for where you're going to end up.”

Rocky road ramblers

WE continue describing popular movies in the most boring way possible. Arthur Clarence suggests: Two wee pals with hairy feet lose a valuable piece of jewellery while mountaineering.

The cinematic experience that he’s referring to is, of course… The Lord of the Rings Trilogy.

Night-night nightmare

WE mentioned that Scotland has been enduring a smattering of genuine summer days. Even worse have been the sizzling summer nights.

Glasgow comedian and author David Bratchpiece says: “That was one of those sleeps where you learn what it’s like to be a slow-cooked chicken.”

Garden centred

THE bibliophiles who run the Diary’s vast and labyrinthine library have been replenishing our stock of tip-top tomes. Carl Williamson from Largs suggests we grab a copy of American Gardening by Ida Hoe.

Food for thought

A CULINARY question from foody fan David Crawford. “My wife recently gave me mozzarella balls in a salad,” says David. “They were delicious. Can you tell me what other parts of a mozzarella are edible and if they have the same flavour?”

Window pain

MORE on those sweltering hot evenings. Thankfully there is a simple solution to the problem if it continues to arise throughout the summer. Open the bedroom window.

Though perhaps not.

Glasgow comedian Limmy says: “Everybody listen. I know a lot of yous will have your windows open to let in a breeze, but there's meant to be these guys going about dressed as killer clowns and they're jumping through open windows with razors. Night.”

Cut-price comment

“MY wife tells me I’m the cheapest person she’s ever met,” says reader Ken Robertson, “but I’m just not buying it.”

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