The money shot

WE mentioned that chivalry isn’t dead in Scotland. It’s merely like the unfortunate black knight in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Sans arms, sans legs; all that remains is a bleeding torso.

Which reminds Robin Gilmour from Milngavie of his aunt and uncle who lived in magical Millport.

Visitors were rare, so on the occasional hot day the mode of dress adopted at home was the one described by anthropologists of leisurewear as "the scuddy".

For health reasons the couple were obliged to vacate their Shangri-La, relocating to a Glasgow flat.

But the couple’s naturist ways persisted, leading Robin’s uncle to ungallantly proclaim one hot day: “We’re not in Millport now, dear. So please don’t stand at that window letting all the neighbours know I only married you for your money.”

Buddying up

THE scientists amongst our number continue to discover new "ologies" previously unknown to researchers. Gordon McRae informs us that palynology is the study of how friendships are formed.

Armageddon… almost

WE noted that the recent warm weather has panicked the population, with news anchors predicting imminent Armageddon. Or, more ominously, a shortage of inflatable children’s paddling pools in Argos.

Ted Hamilton was in a South Side boozer and heard two blokes discussing the cataclysmic climate.

“It’s pure worryin’, all this weather we’re havin’,” said one chap.

“Zat right?” said the pal, adding: “You know what they call this sort of weather in the Costa del Sol?”

The first chap conceded that he didn’t.

“Winter,” said the pal.

Browned off

SOME entertaining advice from reader Dennis Stewart, who says: “A whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome joke.”

Clunky couple

THERE’S a good chance that Liz Truss will be the next Tory leader.

Reader Oliver Richards says: “It’ll be fascinating to watch robotic Truss face stilted Starmer across the despatch box. Like two Daleks having a lover’s tiff.”

Border dispute

RISHI Sunak was asked in an interview if he becomes PM will he spend more time in Scotland. He responded by boasting that he’s visited Darlington quite a lot.

SNP strategist Ross Colquhoun pedantically points out that Darlington isn’t in Scotland. (It’s actually in a place you may have heard of, called England.)

Ross adds hopefully: “Unless Westminster wishes to cede land down to Darlington to Scotland?”

Needle’s a no-no

A SACRILEGIOUS observation from reader Albert Taylor, who points out that Holy Water isn’t used in vaccines because you can't take the Lord's name in vein.

Read more: Some hot advice for Tory ministers