Biblical badinage

WE mentioned that the weather has been fair bilin’ in these parts. One chap we quoted even compared the outdoor temperature to the fiery pit down below. And, no, he wasn’t referring to England.

Meanwhile, legendary entertainer Andy Cameron gets in touch to usher us away from the Gates of Hades, pointing in the direction of a far more salubrious locale. Our destination is, in fact, the most delightful neighbourhood that has ever existed.

And, no, we don’t mean Newton Mearns. We’re referring to the Garden of Eden.

Andy tells us the true tale of Adam and Eve’s first falling out.

“After a ding-dong barney, Adam stormed off in the huff for a month,” says Andy. “On his return, Eve snarled: ‘Whit dae you want?’ Adam replied: “Ma leave’s up.’”

Spiritually lost

MORE religious ramblings. Reader Nigel Barr says: “As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.”

Play it again, ham

ON social media Glasgow thespian Alasdair Hankinson expresses his appreciation for the skills of a fellow practitioner of the dramatic arts.

Or perhaps not…

Says Alasdair: “Just witnessed the most over-egged, focus-pulling death scene I've ever seen an actor perform on a stage. The other two actors were saying some of the most important lines in the play, meanwhile actor X is on the floor shaking, gurgling and gasping all the way through it. Mental.”

The Diary demands to know the name of the play, and where it’s being staged. For we intend on buying tickets for every performance.

Should be dead enjoyable…

Far-out friendship

WE continue describing popular movies in the most boring way possible. Julie Fitzpatrick suggests: Boy makes new pal in the neighbourhood, goes on bike ride with him, then pal goes home to parents.

The film is, inevitably, E.T.

Jet set japery

A TALE of teenage torpor. Lisa Byrne from Shawlands asked her 16-year-old son to go to the corner shop across the road to pick up groceries.

The lad declined, explaining he was still suffering from symptoms akin to jet lag following a family holiday.

“I wouldn’t have minded,” says Lisa. “It’s just that the family holiday was a weekend in Millport.”

Flipping out

NOSTALGIC for halcyon days of yore, reader Tony Mellow says: “Truly, there was no better feeling than snapping shut your flip-phone to hang up on someone annoying.”

Fruity freakout

“MY friend keeps having nightmares about half-eaten bananas,” says reader Alan Smallwood. “Must be a mid-Fyffe crisis.”

Read more: The naked truth about the Millport exiles