THE Edinburgh Festival has not even begun, yet already the weird stuff is weirdening, for we learn that in the Bow Bar, in the city’s Old Town, a knight of the realm recently entered the premises.

And we’re not talking about a chap who sits in the Upper House of Parliament.

This was a noble fellow in a full suit of glittering armour, including helmet and visor. Thankfully, he didn’t bring a mighty steed.

Though he did waddle up to the bar (It being almost impossible to swank or sashay up to a bar when fully garbed in clanking metal).

A few words were muttered to the bartender, then he left.

This being Edinburgh, the staff and clientele were only mildly discombobulated.

Though comments have been made about the mysterious warrior, with one tippler saying: “Bow allowing sportswear now?”

To which the management have clarified: “Happy to make some exemptions. Rugby, tennis, elephant polo and jousting.”

Grave humour

SCOT SQUAD actor Stuart McPherson has been mulling over his many dazzling achievements.

Not quite managing to suppress a note of pride, he says: “My gravestone will read ‘He was born. He seemed to somehow spend £30 every two days in Tesco Express. He died.’”

Water palaver

WARNINGS of water shortages reminds Bryce Drummond, from Kilmarnock, of a 1960s situation, when Edinburgh cut off water supplies for several hours each day due to low reservoir levels.

After a recommendation was made for more reservoirs, one wise old resident protested that it was ridiculous to build new ones since there wasn’t enough water in the existing ones.

Shamus shamed

THOUGHT for the day from reader Jennifer Endfield: “A surprise party is the ultimate insult for a retiring detective.”

Snooze fest

A DIARY mention of listless youth inspires Russell Smith, from Largs, to recall: “As a teenager I had a friend who could sleep for a week without a rest.”

Paradise lost

WE’RE analysing the strained relationship between biblical couples.

Gordon Casely informs us that one day in the Garden of Eden, Eve snarled at Adam: “You’re having an affair!”

Adam stoutly denied such an indiscretion.

“Yes, you are,” countered Eve. “You’re missing another rib.”

Reader unravels

THE Diary accepts that the local constabulary have a difficult job, though it can’t be denied that they sometimes overstep the mark.

Reader Ted McLellan says: “A police officer stopped me due to the dilapidated state of my jumper sleeve, which is covered in small balls of thread.”

Ted adds: “I've been charged with grievous bobbly arm.”