Heraldry explained

WE recently pointed out, with some consternation, that Glasgow’s highfalutin' West End has a lot of posh garbage proudly overflowing the bins lining its streets, yet used editions of this very newspaper are not to be found amongst the imperious rubbish heaps.

Reader Jonathan Hill, who hails from up West, knows why this is the case.

“We never throw away copies of The Herald once they’ve been read,” says Jonathan. “Instead we turn them into paper crowns which we wear to the toilet, or throne, as it’s referred to round these parts.”

Jonathan adds: “Having both a crown and a throne makes us West Enders feel most regal, and allows us to use the ‘royal we’ when going for a royal wee.”

No sunny disposition

FAR-TRAVELLING reader John Harrison was in Perth, Australia, during a time when the locals were debating whether they should join the Eastern States and adopt an extra hour during summer.

A poll was carried out, resulting in no change to the clocks – though John recalls one lady explaining why she was against it.

The extra hour of sunshine would more rapidly fade her curtains.

Picky fella

ENJOYING a quicky quencher in his local hostelry, reader Nigel Elliot overheard a couple of young chaps yakking at a nearby table.

The first fellow said: “If you could have one night of passion with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”

The second fellow thought long and hard, then replied. “Definitely living.”

Love… actually?

THE dating scene, continued. Belinda Anderson was once in a Glasgow nightclub and overheard a gallant gent attempting to woo a comely lass.

“When Ah look at you,” purred the chap, “Ah get chills oer ma body an a funny feelin in ma stomach.”

“Aye,” said the object of his affections. “You gie me the boak an aw'.”

Footering about

OUR sympathies go out to Diary correspondent David Donaldson, who has been feeling an ache in his right foot.

“So I consulted our in-house GP, i.e. Google Physician,” adds David, “which came up with an authoritative article on metatarsal fractures written by ... wait for it ... Dr Jaqueline Payne.”

Vacation staycation

WE continue describing classic films in the most boring way possible. Jason Walker suggests: “TV weatherman goes on extended holiday.”

The film is, of course, Groundhog Day.

Hard luck

ON the subject of holidays gone awry. “My flight back to Glasgow from Gibraltar has been cancelled,” says reader Neil Moore. “Guess I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place.”

Read more: A Cinnamon toast