Repeat forecast

WITH England playing Germany in an important cup final at Wembley on Sunday, Barrie Crawford is inevitably bombarded with memories of 1966.

“Will it be déjà vu?” muses Barrie, who adds. “At least we know one thing – there won’t be a Russian linesman this time.”

A knight’s tale

WE recently mentioned a bizarre occurrence in Edinburgh, where a chap dressed as a medieval knight clanked into a local boozer.

What was even stranger was that the Diary didn’t use "Knight On The Tiles" as the headline for our story. What a missed opportunity.

Even so, the tale had an impact and inspires author Deedee Cuddihy to mention her book The Scottish Cludgie: The Good, the Bad and the Boggin’.

It’s a collection of toilet-based anecdotes from around Scotland, with one bloke reminiscing about a visit to the gents during an amateur opera production in Castle Douglas Town Hall.

“A member of the cast was performing in a full suit of armour,” recalls this chap. “At the interval, I went to the bog and there he was, trying to have a pee with his armour still on. It was quite a sight."

Horse power

HISTORICALLY-MINDED reader Tom Field gets in touch to point out: “Petrol stations in the olden days were bales of hay.”

Sleep of reason

WE continue describing classic films in the most boring way possible. Jenna Robertson suggests: "Little girl takes a nap."

The film is, of course… Alice in Wonderland.

Twist in tale

WE’VE been hearing stories about what posh Glasgow West Enders do with their Herald newspaper, once they finish reading it.

Hoity-toity Hyndlander, David Donaldson, says: “They make excellent paper twists for lighting our open coal fires, and we save the middle pages for drawing up the fire if need be.”

Which seems reasonable. Though our West End spies inform us that David subscribes to the web edition of our publication, rather than reading us in paper form. Leading the Diary to conclude that he lights his coal fire with a fresh iPad every day.

Though how he turns an iPad into a twist, we haven’t yet figured out…

Road to nowhere

ONCE cycling just south of Lima in Peru, reader Gordon Casely came across a roadside bar with a board above it reading "You are not here."

“I thought I was,” argues a stubborn Gordon.

Birdbath bloodbath

A VIOLENT tale from Gordon Andrews: “A man’s been sent to jail for killing a chicken by holding it under water. It was murder moist fowl.”

Read more: The Herald's crowning glory