A knight out

THE Edinburgh Festival hasn’t even begun, yet already the weird stuff is getting weirder, for we learn that in the Bow Bar, in the city’s Old Town, a knight of the realm recently entered the premises. And we’re not talking about a chap who sits in the Upper House of Parliament.

This was a noble fellow in a full suit of glittering armour, including helmet and visor. Thankfully he didn’t bring a mighty steed.

Though he did waddle up to the bar. (It being almost impossible to swank or sashay up to a bar when fully garbed in clanking metal.)

A few words were muttered to the bartender, then he left.

This being Edinburgh, the staff and clientele were only mildly discombobulated.

Comments have been made about the mysterious warrior, with one tippler saying: “Bow allowing sportswear now?” To which the management have clarified: “Happy to make some exemptions. Rugby, tennis, elephant polo and jousting.”

Grave humour

SCOT Squad actor Stuart McPherson has been mulling over his many dazzling achievements.

Not quite managing to suppress a note of pride, he says: “My gravestone will read ‘He was born. He seemed to somehow spend £30 every two days in Tesco express. He died.’”

Water palaver

WARNINGS of water shortages reminds Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock of a 1960s situation, when Edinburgh cut off water supplies for several hours each day due to low reservoir levels.

After a recommendation was made for more reservoirs, one wise old resident protested that it was ridiculous to build new ones since there wasn’t enough water in the existing ones.

Sarky Santander

IT’S not easy being a professional entertainer, for it transpires that everybody is a critic. And we’re not just talking about snarky Homo sapiens.

Edinburgh comedian Rachel Jackson was completing an online form with financial services company Santander. One of the boxes she had to fill in asked for her occupation.

Unsurprisingly, Rachel typed "Comedian". This instantly brought up the message: "Please enter a valid occupation."

A grudgingly impressed Rachel says: “What a heckle from Santander.”

Food for thought

MUSING on the wicked acts men sometimes perpetrate, reader Fred Donaldson says: “Arson is just crime brûlée.”

Double trouble

ON social media a chap recalls staying with his aunt in Hamilton. Deciding to go fishing at Garrion Bridge, he asked a local which bus to take.

“You’ll want the Biggar bus,” he was helpfully informed.

Not realising there was such a location, the poor chap patiently waited on a double decker.

Hot choice

THE ageing process has some very peculiar side-effects, notes Laura Shaw from Edinburgh. “I now have a favourite hob ring on the cooker,” she says. “Back right. The Mr Darcy of hob rings. Never lets a girl down.”

Dynamo drink

ON the subject of growing older… Katherine Pearson from East Kilbride says: “If they ever discover the elixir of eternal youth, it should be marketed it as the Neverage Beverage.”

Cold comfort

AT present the Tories are leaderless, rudderless and clueless how to progress onwards. Luckily the True Blue Crew have two inspiring candidates left in the race to replace Boris Johnson. Though Glasgow comedian Mark Nelson admits he is not especially impressed.

“So glad Truss and Sunak are focusing on China,” says Mark. “It will be all I will be thinking about when I am setting fire to my own clothes to keep warm this winter.”

Factory fury

A RATHER irritated Gordon Redmond from Falkrik gets in touch to say: “I’ve just been moved to a different department in the prosthetics factory where I work, and it’s really annoying. I’m up in arms.”

No sunny disposition

FAR-TRAVELLING reader John Harrison was in Perth, Australia, during a time when the locals were debating whether they should join the Eastern States and adopt an extra hour during summer.

A poll was carried out, resulting in no change to the clocks.

Though John recalls one lady explaining why she was against it. The extra hour of sunshine would more rapidly fade her curtains.

Picky fella

ENJOYING a quicky quencher in his local hostelry, reader Nigel Elliot overheard a couple of young chaps yakking at a nearby table.

The first fellow said: “If you could have one night of passion with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?”

The second fellow thought long and hard, then replied. “Definitely living.”

Birdbath bloodbath

A VIOLENT tale from Gordon Andrews: “A man’s been sent to jail for killing a chicken by holding it under water. It was murder moist fowl.”

Reader unravels

THE Diary accepts that the local constabulary have a difficult job, though it can’t be denied that they sometimes overstep the mark.

Reader Ted McLellan says: “A police officer stopped me due to the dilapidated state of my jumper sleeve, which is covered in small balls of thread.”

Ted adds: “I've been charged with grievous bobbly arm.”

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