Picture this
THE media has become all-pervasive. We don’t just mean that used copies of The Herald regularly make their way into readers’ toilets, where they prove useful when the Andrex runs out.
No, the media lurks in every jacket pocket and bedside table, in the guise of mobile phones with internet access.
One bastion the communications industry only partially breached was London’s Old Bailey, where newspaper reporting was allowed, but TV cameras were firmly shut out.
A situation that changed this week when the judgment of a case was televised for the first time.
Is this a step forward? Who knows.
What’s undoubtedly true is that televising more trials will mean the dole queue for court artists.
Which is a pity, because the Diary has a soft spot for those scribble-merchants, fabled for their ability to produce drawings that look nothing like the people they’re meant to represent.
If a court artist drew Boris Johnson, the completed image would make him look neat and tidy; Prince Harry would have a pelt of black hair.
The Diary is very different from a court artist. As the following classic tales from our archives prove, we precision-craft our sentences and paragraphs, thus ensuring that we produce perfect pen-portraits to illuminate our quirky, unforgettable scenes...
Volume control
A BEARSDEN teenager told his pals of the magical powers of his parents, after they left him home alone one weekend. An hour after driving off his mother texted him: “Turn that down!”
Pregnant pause
A LAWYER told us of a Glasgow sheriff who was asked by a nervous jury member if he could be excused duty as his wife was “about to conceive”.
The sheriff was momentarily taken aback, before replying: “I believe you mean ‘deliver’. Either way, you should be there.”
Local hero
QUEUING to watch Batman flick, The Dark Knight Rises, at the Glasgow Imax, one fan informed his pal that the opening scenes were filmed in Scotland.
“So who’s the baddy this time?” replied the pal. “The Yoker?”
Fringe benefits
COMEDIAN Jeff Leach once played the Edinburgh Fringe, and was heartened when he arrived in Scotland’s capital city.
“As the train pulled into Waverley Station I saw solar panels,” he said. “I thought, that’s Scottish optimism.”
The numbers racket
A STUDENT working in the office of a Glasgow reader told him: “My dad lectured me at the weekend, and said that if you really want something in life you have to work for it. Then he turned on the telly to check his lottery numbers.”
University challenge
A SCOTTISH student at St Andrews Uni heard a local chap say to a posh English undergraduate: “Haud yer wheesht!”
The poor girl looked dumbfounded, until she sought clarification by replying: “Audrey and yeast?”
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