Wheely fast

EILISH McColgan proved she’s zippy on a running track this week by winning the 10,000m race at the Commonwealth Games, an event her mum, Liz, also won, over thirty years ago.

The Diary isn’t especially impressed. That’s because Junior, the copy boy who works in our office, is just as fast as Eilish when he brings the staff their tea in the morning… and he happens to be 98-years-old. (As we’ve previously mentioned, Junior has been with the Diary since the age of sixteen, and is still patiently waiting for his first promotion.)

How does Junior accelerate round the office with such speed and grace, you may wonder. The secret is that we permanently glued his feet to a skateboard, back in 1978. Now we just give him a hefty dunt, and away he goes.

Of course, we never have to give our Diary contributors a hefty dunt. Needing no encouragement whatsoever, they always supply us with entertaining tales, such as the following classics from our archives…

Oh dear England

WITH the lionesses doing so well last weekend, the Diary recalls a simpler era, when a certain bunch of footie players could be relied upon to be unreliable.

A reader once said: “The England football team are like a holiday romance. Every time you fool yourself that it will last longer than two weeks – but it never does.”

A fishy tale

OUTDOOR pursuits – the fun way. An East Kilbride reader told us: “My daughter, while on holiday in the far north west, spotted a T-shirt with the legend ‘Lochinver – a little drinking village with a serious fishing problem.’

Musical mutts

A CULTURED reader, buying tickets for a Brahms concert, was struck by a thought: “Do you think dogs ever look at an orchestra conductor and think, ‘Oh, for goodness sake, just throw the bloody thing.’”

Headache turns hot

A MEMBER of staff at a country house hotel in Strathaven battled to keep his face straight as an elderly lady having lunch told her fellow diner that when she had a migraine, she “took two paramedics and lay in a dark room.”

Kitchen conversion

WE recall one fellow whose lifestyle was so affluent that he didn’t visit his kitchen until he was well into his 60s. When he eventually did so, he turned to his wife and said: “Here, this is a really nice room. Why don’t we use it more often?”

Eat your words

A LADY came into Kilwinning Library with a plastic bag full of tiny particles of paper, which she explained had once been a book. On investigation, it was discovered that the title of the book had been How to Train Your Puppy.

Clearly the puppy in question hadn’t spent much time reading the book.