Seventh heaven

FIFE funny fella Richard Pulsford is having a fine time to himself. Already anointed this year’s UK Pun Champion, TV channel Dave have now voted one of his jokes number seven in their top 10 gags from this year’s Fringe.

He grabbed Dave’s attention with this quippy little comment: “I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.”

Prize exhibit

ON a bus travelling from Mount Florida to Glasgow city centre, reader Gloria Wilson overheard two inebriated blokes chatting to each other.

Said one flummoxed fellow to the other: “Wit dae ye call thae places where you go in and see all sorts of objects?”

With very little pause, his friend suggested: “A museum?”

The first chap was delighted with this answer. “Aye, right ye are,” he said, adding with a degree of awe that he clearly found it impossible to suppress: “Yer a cultured guy, all right.”

Money matters

A SAD tale with a happy ending. Russell Smith from Largs has a friend whose wife had her credit card stolen.

Adds Russell: “He decided not to report it as the thief was spending less than she was.”

Cushioning the blow

WE’RE discussing IZAL, the notorious toilet paper of yore, that scratched the nether regions to the very core.

John Macnab from Falkirk has been researching the fiendish material by perusing a transport magazine from 1961.

The publication reports that the railway freight business entrusted with conveying IZAL products managed to devise specially inflated plastic containers to cushion the merchandise in transit.

With understandable consternation, our reader adds that it’s a great pity this cushioning effect was not extended so it could be enjoyed by users of the toilet paper.

The hole truth

ONCE the Diary starts discussing toilet paper we find it exceedingly difficult to stop. This journalistic version of "the runs" leads us to quote Rosemary Parker from Troon, who gets in touch to say: “Has anyone else noticed that the only thing increasing in size for your money these days is the hole in the middle of a toilet roll?”

Tot trading

CONFUSED reader Gordon Casely informs us that many places he visits these days have placards promoting "Baby Changing Facilities".

“I’ve seen dozens of these signs now,” he adds, “but never once have I seen a baby being exchanged. Am I missing something?”

Sandy scare

MARINE-MINDED reader Robin Gilmour gets in touch to point out that: “Taking a dog named Shark to the beach is invariably a bad idea.”

Read more: The trouble with girls... and unicorns