Fighting talk

IN his new autobiography, A Different Stage, pop star Gary Barlow admits to being overwhelmed by jealousy when his former Take That bandmate Robbie Williams garnered huge solo success.

The Diary understands that such resentment can be debilitating. Furthermore, we admit that the green-eyed monster has even stalked the corridors of our very own headquarters here in Diary Towers.

There was the time our trainee scrivener, Jenks, began to covet the brand-new HB pencil being ostentatiously brandished by chief scrivener Smythe.

They agreed to fight a duel for ownership of the writing implement. At dawn the following day each man bombarded the other with crumpled pieces of A4 paper, until it was ruefully conceded that the contest was a draw, and therefore the pencil should be shared. Jenks using it Monday to Friday; Smythe obtaining visiting rights at weekends and bank holidays.

We’re glad they came to this accommodation, for it’s only with the harmony of a smoothly functioning workplace that the Diary can delight its faithful readers with wondrous tales such as the following classics, gleaned from our archives for your pleasure…

Meek metal man

AN eagle-eyed reader spotted a chap dressed as film superhero Iron Man in Glasgow’s Buchanan Street, where people were slipping him money to have their picture taken with him.

Two police officers went over for a chat, no doubt checking whether he had a street entertainment licence.

Said our reader: “Iron Man was very sheepish with the police, to the extent that a passer-by said to him: ‘Not so hard now, are ye?’”

Fruity filcher

A CLARKSTON reader caught her four-year-old daughter lifting grapes from her younger sister’s plate.

“Are you stealing your sister’s grapes?” demanded mum.

“No,” she replied. “I’m teaching her to share.”

Mad love

INTERNET dating continues to be popular, though not everyone is convinced. A chap in a Glasgow pub was encouraged to try it by a friend who told him: “This particular site chooses people who share the same interests as you.”

Replied his pal: “I don’t think that I would want to date anyone that weird.”

Projected pleasures

THE pains of growing old. A Jordanhill reader told us: “It really is hard to convey to young people the excitement we all genuinely felt at school when the teacher wheeled in an overhead projector to the classroom.”

Blanked by booze

WE recall being told of the Glasgow woman who admitted she couldn’t remember large chunks of her evening after drinking too much wine with friends.

She called this condition "Sauvignon Blank".

Seasonal saddo

SCOTLAND doesn’t always enjoy a sizzling summer. A reader recalled one occasion when it was exceedingly inclement, making him groan that “the only thing that got tanned was my Visa card”.

Read more: On the trail of the lonesome pine (or perhaps spruce)