Bread head

OUR helpful readers continue suggesting employment opportunities for Boris Johnson, now the Tiggerish toff with the tumbleweed hair has vacated Downing Street.

George O’Brady notes that in his farewell speech, BoJo said he was ‘handing over the baton’ to Liz Truss.

Says George: “With that kind of experience, our ex-PM could get a job at the counter of his local bakery, handing over batons of bread to customers. Though he’d also have to hand over pan loaves and well-fired rolls. Which might be too much effort for Boris.”

Lizzy in tizzy

THERE are often splendid bargains to be had on social media, notes reader David Donaldson, who spotted a message from Oxfam Books on his Facebook page.

It offered for sale a thrilling tome titled Management of Fecal Incontinence, which is sure to hit the best-seller list, right next to the new John Grisham.

Says David: “Imagining what it must feel like walking into No. 10 Downing Street at a time like this, I was going to buy and send the book to our new PM.”

Sadly, when our generous reader clicked the link, the advert vanished, meaning the book had just been sold.

“Liz must have beat me to it,” concludes David.

Dumb and dumber

MORE on the rapidly evolving political scene. Enthused Glasgow crime scribe Denise Mina says: “We’re going to have to get to know a whole new cast of idiots, aren’t we?”

Moby dish

WILDLIFE expert Danny Casper says: “Whenever I hear about a whale washing up on a beach, I can’t help wondering how big the rubber gloves were…”

Trumpet too loud

THE Diary is fascinated by the forgotten details of history. We yearn to know what make of car Julius Caesar drove, also who was Cleopatra’s favourite rap star.

Helping with our quest for knowledge, Russell Smith from Largs notes that we recently mentioned Custer’s Last Stand.

Says Russell: “That reminds me of a friend who claimed his great grandfather died there. He was camping nearby and went over to complain about the noise from the Little Bighorn.”

Pupil to pensioner

ENGLISH teacher Alison Curran once asked a less-than-enthusiastic scholar in her class about his plans once he left school.

"Can I retire?” he asked (with slightly more enthusiasm than usual).

Hot… or not?

CONCERNS over heating bills are no laughing matter. Which doesn’t dissuade reader Nigel Dunlop from suggesting how to keep warm this winter.

“Stand in the corner of the room,” he says. “It’s 90 degrees there.”