Food fight

SOME singers warble words of woe about love. Others belt out enraged lyrics regarding man’s inhumanity to man.

Glasgow troubadour Rab Noakes has found something else to be angsty about.

“Can anyone exercise some 'cease and desist' influence on the proliferation of 'exotic' side salads?” he thunders, before adding: “Can we have a return to lettuce, tomato and spring onion. I'd like to say a not-so-fond farewell to the rocket, spinach, red onion, grated carrot and beetroot nonsense.”

Animated meeting

THE recent death of Mikhail Gorbachev reminds Gordon Fisher from Stewarton of a friend who was police commissioner of the Icelandic force overseeing security for the 1986 Reykjavik summit between Gorbachev and President Reagan.

At the end of the first night of negotiations at the French consulate both leaders went missing.

This caused much consternation between CIA and KGB agents, who suspected each other of nefarious activity.

A search of the consulate ensued, ending when loud laughter was heard from the basement.

On entering the room, the two most powerful men in the world were discovered together… watching Tom and Jerry cartoons.

Dim about acronym

PROUD David Adams from Falkirk was telling a Glasgow chum about all the unidentified flying objects spotted in the skies above his home town.

The Glasgow fellow stopped our reader in mid flow and patiently explained: “You shouldn’t refer to them as unidentified flying objects because scientist have discovered what they are.”

“So what are they?” enquired David.

“They’re UFOs,” came the knowledgeable reply.

Whisky whoopsie

WE continue cringing over errors that occur while boozing. Bob Jamieson was in a London hostelry where a young chap was attempting to impress his lady friend.

At one point this fellow claimed to be a fan of single malts, especially those from Islay.

“Alas,” says Bob, “he blew his credibility when he asked the barman for two double Lapra Hoigs.”

Dough means “D’oh!”

WE’RE deciding what employment opportunities are available for Boris Johnson, to prevent him going from Downing Street to down-and-out.

One reader suggested he could work in a bakery, though Bryce Drummond from Kilmarnock isn’t convinced.

“His CV includes him putting many buns in the oven,” notes Bryce, “which indicates that he should not be allowed near the bagels.”

Munchable musical mayhem

WE’RE not sure whether to believe Malcolm Boyd from Milngavie who says he received an email from a friend in England explaining that the Devon and Cornwall Music Festival is cancelled.

“They couldn’t decide whether The Jam or Cream went on first,” says Malcolm.