Sidling up

SALAD stories, continued. When she was a student, reader Jennifer Williams worked part-time in a café in Glasgow’s West End.

An elderly lady once requested a side-salad.

“What do you want it with?” asked Jennifer.

The elderly lady said she only wanted that one dish.

Our reader politely explained that it was difficult to serve a side-salad if it wasn’t on the side of anything.

“Very well,” said the old lady, rather tetchily. “Then I’ll also have a side-salad that my side-salad can sit on the side of.”

Missing miss

AN unsophisticated Aberdeenshire chum of reader Gordon Casely recently spent a night in a small hotel. The notice in his bedroom read ‘Free wifi’.

With a degree of exasperation, this chap later recalled: “I looked everywhere. In the en suite, the wardrobe, under the bed. I then went down to reception to tell them: ‘I can’t find the free wifie anywhere.’”

Noble nibble

WITH a new head of state for the first time in over 70 years, these are momentous days for our country. Glasgow writer and performer Kieran Hurley gets the sense of occasion just about right when he says on social media: “What novelty sandwich filling will they invent to mark the succession of King Charles III to the throne? Coronation chicken was a banger. Anything that fails to live up to that will be a mark of disrespect to our new King.”

The collection infection

HISTORY teacher Brian Roberts was enthusiastically telling his young charges about a planned trip to a museum.

One little scamp at the back of the class groaned painfully, then said: “Do we have to, sir? I bet the first museum was started by one of those guys who can’t stop hoarding stuff. Then he decided to make his problem everybody’s problem.”

Colourful confusion

ANOTHER school yarn. This time from a primary seven class supervised by reader Martha Fowler, who overheard one girl whisper to the boy next to her: “How d’you spell orange?”

After a thoughtful pause, he replied: “Which one? Colour or fruit?”

The human factor

SOCIABILITY can be a struggle. Reader Shirley Bowers was in a Dundee bar when she overheard a woman at a nearby table sighing, before saying to a friend: “I honestly think I could get through life so much better if it wasn’t for the existence of other people.”

Old style charm

“I’M thinking of opening a restaurant called ‘Blissful Peace and Quiet’,” says reader Ken Gates. “Kids’ meals will start at £500 pounds a dish.”