Arachnid or astronaut?

VISITING a hostelry in Glasgow’s south side, reader Christopher Bowden overheard at a nearby table a bunch of blokes indulging in a zoological discussion worthy of David Attenborough.

Said one chap: “Dae ye hink spiders huv always known they can crawl up walls? Or did one o’ them accidentally discover he could dae it when he was runnin’ away frae a Hoover?”

One of his friends nodded sagely, then said: “Aye, and that wee guy wis the Neil Armstrong o’ spiders. I bet he gave a wee speech on the wall, sayin’ it wis one small step for a spider. One giant leap for spiderkind.”

Noble nibbles, continued…

WE’RE wondering what sandwich filling should mark the coronation of King Charles III, hoping it will equal Coronation chicken, the last regal repast to tantalise the nation’s tastebuds.

Scott Gough suggests… the HRH, an intriguing sarnie named after the initials of its ingredients.

It would consist of a slice of haggis, then a sliver of ricotta cheese, then another slice of haggis. (Because you can never have too much haggis.)

And will it be a taste sensation?

“No idea,” admits our reader. “Though to spit it out would be unpatriotic.”

Bumming around

ANOTHER toilet tale. Sid Leslie from Kirkintilloch had a chum in Lagos, Nigeria, who read a newspaper report about a local dignitary’s wedding.

What was published may, or may not, have been a misprint.

In dignified prose, the article stated: ‘The bridegroom wore a large white rose in his bottom hole.’

Bleeding lonely

A SINGLE friend of reader Andrea Trent once muttered disconsolately: “The last time I was someone’s ‘type’, I was donating blood.”

Making their moo-ve

WE’RE discussing salads. Dorothy Aitken once served her teenage son salad for lunch, four days in a row.

He was deeply concerned by this state of affairs.

“If the human race doesn’t start eating way more meat, the world’s cows will get cocky,” he argued.

“Then they’ll want to take over. Soon it’ll be them driving cars to work and playing golf at weekends.”

Fear factor

ON the subject of teens and their curious ways, reader Lisa Wilson points out: “Having a teenager is like living in a haunted house. Now and then you’ll see a figure in the corner of your eye, followed by a moaning sound, then a door slams shut.”

Quiz time

“WHAT word starts with E, ends with E but only has one letter in it?” asks reader Alan Cain.

The answer, of course, is: “An envelope.”