On yer bike

THE Diary is rightly lauded for the veracity of its tales. Unlike lesser media organisations we meticulously research our copy, putting even the smallest detail through a rigorous fact-checking operation.

That’s why our faithful readers can believe every word of the following yarn from reader Gordon Fisher.

Inspired by a mention of Handel’s Messiah in The Herald, he says: “What’s little-known about this musical genius is that he was a skilled cyclist. He loved nothing better than pedaling through the countryside, balancing no-hands style, while composing his melodies on paper, which he propped up on the front of his bike. Thus Handel bars were named.”

Email for eejits

SOME years ago reader Rachel Kenny received an email from the human resources department in the office where she worked. The message considerately explained that all members of staff who were struggling with their workload would be provided with ‘moron support’.

“I have a sneaking suspicion they meant ‘moral support’,” says Rachel. “Though perhaps not. Being a moron myself, I at last felt that my life was being validated.”

Germanic japery

ONCE more we hotfoot it to the hostelry for an alcohol-related yarn.

Holidaying in Majorca, Barrie Crawford and his wife got chatting to a German couple with the surname Auer.

They explained that because of their cheery disposition, their friends back home called them: “The Happy Auers.”

Gone to Pot(ter)

THOUSANDS queued through the night to pay their respects when the Queen’s coffin was in Edinburgh.

The official mourning is now focused on London, which means Scotland’s capital has returned to normality.

Or what constitutes ‘normality’ round those parts.

On social media, one Edinburgh resident says: “After the momentous state events, normal service of opportunistic bagpipers, drunks, and strangely dressed Harry Potter fans recommences.”

Cash or curio

AS previously mentioned in the Diary, the months ahead will be financially stressful for the nation.

Though it seems that inflation is already undermining the value of legal tender in Callander. Sally Evans, who runs a bookshop with her husband in the town, is now receiving payment of a most unusual kind.

“You know times are hard for rural businesses,” she says, “when the customers pay you in antlers.”

And, yes, she still has the antlers in the shop, though, alas, they can’t be squeezed into the till.

Food for thought

INVALUABLE culinary advice from reader Ramsey Stewart, who says: “If Mick Jagger ever visits you for lunch make him a spiced lamb and couscous bap. It's only Moroccan roll, but he likes it.”