Very crafty

A STRESSFUL few days for King Charles were exacerbated this week when a pen he was using for an official signing proved to be as leaky as a royal courtier with an axe to grind and a good friend in the press.

Perhaps the writing implement the King was struggling to master was a ‘republipen’, designed by an arch anti-monarchist to undermine the dignity of the House of Windsor.

Probably not. The most likely answer is that it was merely badly designed. Another example of shoddy British workmanship; no doubt cobbled together with India ink, Blu Tack and rusting strips of Meccano.

Our craftsmen were once the envy of the world, of course. Some still are.

The artisans who design and build the Herald Diary from scratch each day, for instance.

With dedication and precision they solder together words and sentences; nail one paragraph on top of another. Metaphors and similes are hand-crafted, using the skills handed down from father to son and mother to daughter.

A final buff with a chamois leather, and the Diary is ready for display in the shop counter. To celebrate the splendours of our craftsmanship, we now present a selection of classic tales from our archives…

Lost in translation

AMERICAN comedian Dave Fulton was once compering a stand-up show in Glasgow. He revealed that he loved coming to Scotland, though admitted: “I was on Bath Steet when I asked a local for directions. After he started talking to me, my eyes drifted down to his stomach in the hope that subtitles would appear there.”

No joy choi

A SOUTH SIDE reader told her husband that she was going to cook pak choi for dinner. He said that he didn’t know what that was, so she held it up to show him.

With a sigh of disappointment, he then said: “It sounded so fancy, too. Yet at the end of the day it’s just something green.”

Taking the pith

ONE of the Diary’s Herald colleagues once said to us: “One of my kids texted ‘plz’ because it’s shorter than ‘please’.

“So I texted back ‘no’ because it’s shorter than ‘yes’.”

Dosh splosh quashed

A CHAP in a Glasgow bar was discussing the state of his finances when he came out with the memorable explanation: “Whenever I feel spontaneous, my bank account quickly reminds me to calm down.”

Medical muddle

A GP swore to us that one of his patients came in complaining about a terrible pain in his big toe.

“Gout,” the doctor explained to him.

“But I’ve only just got here,” the patient replied.

Mind games

WE recall a smarty-pants Facebook message which stated: “I’ll be posting telepathically today. So if you think of something funny, that was me.”