GLASGOW author Denise Mina was on a train to the Bloody Scotland crime writing festival in Stirling, which ended yesterday, when she got chatting to the conductor, who told her about the time someone tried to bring a horse on the train by claiming it was a pet.

“He did say it was a wee one, right enough,” adds Denise.

Silly sausages

LESSONS at Glasgow Uni commence this week, and students are once again congregating in the avenues and alleyways of the city’s west end.

Local resident Deedee Cuddihy got chatting to staff at a fish and chip shop in Kelvinbridge who said they have been getting a lot of ravenous vegan students staggering in after a night at the pub and demanding something to suit their highly ethical standards.

When it’s explained that not even the chips are suitable for vegans, most of them dilute their morals, just a tad, and say: "Oh, just give us a sausage supper, then."

Youthful ambition

AT the weekend reader Shirley Crothers babysat her seven-year-old granddaughter, Lucy, and asked her what she would like to do when she grows up.

“I’m going to change the world,” trilled the youngster, which brought tears of pride to granny’s eyes.

Those tears rapidly evaporated when Lucy added ambitiously: “I’m going to make it much worse.”

Dirty dancing?

IN Howden Park Centre, Livingston, on Saturday a Michael Buble tribute act, alliteratively titled Big Band Buble, wowed an enthusiastic, though mostly elderly audience.

At one point the Buble wannabe invited an audience member on stage for a dance.

Afterwards, the lady hugged the crooner and then floated back to her seat, no doubt delighted with the encounter, while her husband loudly and proudly proclaimed: "We're 45 years married, today."

"Don't worry. Nothing happened," assured the Buble-alike, referring to the stage dance.

"Nothing happened then, either," replied the husband.

A moving story

THE husband of reader Liz Hogue admitted being surprised when the local John Menzies store changed its location from the previous spot on the high street.

“What’s the big deal?” said Liz.

“Well,” said hubby. “It’s meant to be a stationary shop.”

Thinking about drinking

THIRSTY reader Geoff Russell is fervently hoping there is a brewer somewhere in the world willing to market a beer named ‘Occasionally’.

Explains Geoff: “That would allow me to say that I only drink occasionally.”

Attachment issues

REMINISCING about his career, reader Robbie Hodges says: “I once worked in a glue factory where there were rules we had to adhere to.”