Birdbrained badinage

A PIGEON story in the Diary reminds Evelyn Terry from Livingston of an eccentric elderly lady who used to live opposite her and kept both a pigeon and a budgie as pets.

This woman (did we mention she was eccentric?) named her pigeon "Budgie", while her budgie was named "Pigeon".

Our reader once trepidatiously inquired why her neighbour did such a thing.

“It keeps them on their toes,” came the curious reply. She then added: “Of course, birds don’t have any toes, but if they did, it would keep ‘em on ‘em.”

Bum note

THE highfalutin Diary continues discussing classical music. Russell Smith from Largs says: “I’ve been told that some musicians suspect that Rimsky-Korsakov may have been dyslexic and that his famed Flight of the Bumblebee was intended to be The Bum of the Flighty Bee.”

Brought to book

THE Diary is, of course, one of the marvels of the literary world, right up there with Hamlet, War and Peace and the lyrics of any Kylie Minogue song you care to mention.

Though we aren’t greedy with our greatness, and have lately been dispensing writing advice to wannabe wordsmiths.

Continuing this trend, reader Rachel Nevill says aspiring authors should “avoid hyperbole. If you don’t manage to do this, your life will be utterly ruined.”

Stable relationship

OUR tale of a horse taking a jaunt on a train reminds Richard Davis in Vienna of his uncle, who worked as an engineer with the Post Office.

There was a certain flat in Blackhill occupied by a chap who collected old clothes and broken items of furniture on a horse-drawn cart. Richard’s uncle, repairing a nearby telegraph pole, had to gain access to this chap’s abode.

Upon doing so, he discovered the horse… stabled in one of the bedrooms.

Udderly silly

A MENTION of cheese in the Diary reminds reader Erin Trimble of her five-year-old granddaughter who, upon discovering that cheese is a dairy product, enquired how Dairylea Triangles vacated a cow’s udders.

“It must be awfully nippy,” she shuddered.

Pedestrian pooch

SAFETY-CONSCIOUS reader Ben Jameson renewed his car insurance over the phone. As he was about to hang up, the woman on the other end inquired if he had a pet.

"Yes, a dog," said Ben.

"D’you want to insure him too?" asked the woman.

"No thanks,” said Ben. “He doesn’t drive."

Toilet humour

FEELING lucky, reader Clive Simpson entered a competition on the Armitage Shanks website. “It’s basically a win loos situation,” says Clive.

Read more: Want to draw a pigeon? Here's the to-doo list