Explosive message

THRILL-SEEKING Barrie Crawford enjoys holidays that are jam-packed with incident and activity, though he admits that even he was a tad trepidatious after perusing the house-rules of the Airbnb in Salzburg where he stayed last week.

“Of course, you can use the stove for cooking,” declared this helpful missive. “Turn the gas on the knob for the desired hotplate and light it with a lighter or detonator.”

Barrie ignored this advise, which perhaps explains why he remains intact to tell this tale.

The Barras bard

SCHOLARLY David Donaldson has been researching the Barras Market and unearthed this delightfully romantic verse written by Glasgow’s very own Matt McGinn…

"For Christmas he bought her a wee golden ring,

but later it made him embarrassed.

He’d forgot that the first thing to turn green in the spring,

is jewellery bought at the Barras."

Regal rock

ASPIRATIONAL reader Ross McKay was most impressed to learn that his stepdaughters were going to see the Queen Consort.

Alas, it transpired that they were only going to watch a Freddie Mercury tribute band.

Current affairs

THE Diary continues to focus on the economic uncertainty that has beset our beleaguered nation. “I just opened my water bill and electricity bill at the same time,” says reader Mark Edwards. “I was shocked.”

The ugly truth

VISITING his local supermarket, Alastair Sillars from Dumfries watched as the chap in front of him in the checkout queue placed on the conveyer belt one potato, a half pint of milk, one banana, one roll and one tomato.

The checkout lady studied this spartan selection, then said to the chap: “Single gentleman, are we?”

Smiling and glancing knowingly at his groceries, the customer replied: “How can you tell?”

To which the checkout lady replied, perhaps a tad unprofessionally: “Cos you’re ugly.”

Mind your language

WE continue dispensing writing advice to wannabe wordsmiths. Peter Fenn says: “Alliteration is a treacherously trite and turgid way to express yourself. As is unnecessary repetition. Avoid, avoid, avoid.”

Definition of pain

GAVIN, the 12-year-old son of reader Steven Lange, enjoys a passionate debate. When Steven recently mentioned the well-known phrase “sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me”, his son begged to differ.

Said the argumentative lad: “But what if someone drops a dictionary on your head?”

Brought to book

CONVIVIAL Diary correspondent Kathleen Allen recently visited one of her friends who happens to be passionate about bookbinding.

"Come in,” said this chum. “Make yourself a tome."

Read more of the Herald Diary: When you have two birds in the hand