Skip scrap

TELLY presenters Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby have faced criticism for alleged queue jumping.

Diary reader Dan Kent reveals he is often skipped while waiting in the barrier queue at Glasgow’s Central Station, and has therefore devised a methodology to guide how he reacts.

1: Confirm that the skipper is an attractive woman. If it is, Dan politely nods and allows the skip to take place.

2: Confirm that the skipper is a tall, burly chap, who looks as though he spends his weekends winning Judo competitions. If it is, Dan politely nods and allows the skip to take place.

3: Confirm that the skipper is a small, weedy, elderly chap. If it is, Dan grabs him by the shoulder then yells in his lughole: “Oi, you! Back of the queue… no skipping!”

Brought to book

A PICTURE of a photocopier in the Diary reminds Christ Ide from East Renfrewshire of his Army days in the 1970s, when such machines were coming into widespread use, and even the regimental office had one. On the wall above it was pinned a sheet of paper with seven or eight IA (Immediate Action) drills to be carried out in the event of a malfunction.

Chris still fondly recalls the final line of advice, which read: "If all else fails, read the instruction book.’"

Statue of limitations

WE published an image of a very famous sculpture, which inspires comedy great Andy Cameron to get in touch to say: “One wonders if Venus de Milo’s maw asked her if she would marry a doctor, a lawyer, or perhaps a scientist, and was surprised by the lassie’s reply, that she’d be better off wi’ a handyman?”

Grass roots

A CULINARY thought from reader Gareth Hopkins, who says: “Cows are pretty calm considering that all of their floor is food.”

Cut short

THE ever-helpful Diary continues dispensing writing advice to wannabe wordsmiths. Paul Moore says: “Pithiness. Bad idea. Always.”

Memorable excuse

HOPING for a romantic evening, reader Elena Ward was understandably irate when her boyfriend forgot about her birthday. His attempt at an explanation did not help matters, with the unapologetic chap boldly stating: “You can’t blame me for forgetting, because it’s not as if I remembered to forget. I just forgot to remember, that’s all.”

Unsound idea

INGENIOUS reader Tom Norton tells us that he has invented a new way to play tennis that doesn’t make any noise. “It’s essentially the same game,” explains Tom. “But without the racquet.”

Read more from the Diary: This put his gas at a peep