Theory of fun

THE Chancellor of the Exchequer unveiled a mini Budget yesterday, which resulted in maxi confusion in Diary Towers. Even the number crunchers in our financial department struggled to understand all this talk of trickle-down economics. They previously assumed "trickle-down" had something to do with public urinals, not economic theory.

Our minds definitely get boggled by budgets, though we do understand the concept of "mini".

When it comes to little things, we have a large amount of knowledge. For we’re experts in publishing stories that are big in entertainment though bijou in size.

The following classic yarns from our archives underline this principle, which we have decided to call chuckle-down laughanomics…

Attachment issues

PEOPLE can be a tad harsh at times. A reader in Glasgow once heard two women discussing a friend who was struggling to keep her weight under control.

“She’s had her stomach stapled,” confided one of the women.

“Stapled to what?” asked her pal. “Greggs?”

In the doghouse

A GLASGOW gag told to us by a reader: “A Glaswegian bangs on his neighbour’s door and tells him: “It’s high time you did something about your dog. It’s been barking for hours and I’ve got a terrible hangover and need some sleep.”

“You shouldn’t have crawled into his kennel then,” replied the neighbour.

Badge of dishonour

AN underage drinking tale. A shame-faced reader once said: “I celebrated my 18th birthday in the Riverside Inn in Callander. 'Confused bar staff, on noticing the rather large '18 Today!’ badge on my t-shirt, observed that I’d been drinking in there for about a year.”

The name game

COPING with the complexities of the English language can be most confusing for our poor readers. One of them once got in touch and said: “My daughter texted me saying ‘Call me ASAP’ but I think I’ll just stick to calling her Fiona.”

Super-spreader

WE weren’t sure whether to believe the reader who said: “My wife told me that the butter in the fridge was rock hard, and could I help her to spread it. So I went on to Facebook and told everyone that our butter was rock hard. Apparently that’s not what she meant.”

TalkTalk TuneTune

LISTENING to music has changed so much in recent years, what with folk listening to tracks on shuffle on their iPods. As one reader told us: “My friends were discussing when they had last listened to an album in its entirety. One of them replied: ‘The last time TalkTalk put me on hold.’”

Bar-room badinage

“I NEVER make the same mistake twice,” the chap in the Glasgow pub opined one evening. His pals looked very impressed until he added: “I usually make it six or seven times before I’m convinced.”