The People’s Parliament

THE good citizens of the UK are feeling frightfully disorientated. And no wonder. Our stately system of governance is now more like a cowpoke taking his ease in a wild west saloon. Politicians are gnawed on for a while, like a hunk of baccy, then spat out into the spittoon of obscurity.

Kwasi, Suella, Liz: Chomp, chew… cheerio.

In a few weeks, perhaps sooner, we’ll have used up all our grandees of state. Then what?

Unfortunately the rest of us will have to do a shift, whether we agree to or not.

Innocent victims will wake up in the morning to discover that during the night they were anointed Prime Minister, then denounced and sacked a few minutes later.

Idle at a bus stop for too long and the role of Home Secretary will be thrust upon you.

Drive-by appointments of state will spread terror throughout the nation.

Only one thing will provide succour to the huddled, helpless, randomly governing masses.

The Herald Diary.

As the following non-political tales from our archives prove, we are the last refuge from the parliamentary epidemic…

Smashing joke

WE recall the comedy gig where a no-nonsense comedian, fed up with an audience member’s phone ringing, grabbed the phone and answered it himself with: “Hi, I don’t know whose phone this is – I’ve just picked it up by a car crash.”

A dog’s life

A WIDE variety of treatments are available for pets. A vet informed one Glasgow dog owner that he wanted to carry out a test on his pooch’s liver function.

“No need to worry,” the owner replied. “I’ve banned him from strong drink for a while now.”

Streets ahead

A READER swore he heard a chap in a Glasgow pub boast to his pals: “I try to impress women by telling them I’m on performance-related pay.”

Slightly less boastfully, he added: “It sounds better than saying I’m a busker in Buchanan Street.”

Problem solved… possibly

A STIRLING reader, just back from holidaying in Spain, was much taken with the sign on the wall of the pub he frequented, which stated in English: “Bars are one of the few places that will solve your problems – and create your problems at the same time.”

Film star flop

A ROMANTIC tale, now. Minus the romance bit. In his younger days one of our readers went clubbing with pals, one of whom was given the nickname Macaulay Culkin… because he always went home alone.

Dinosaur’s dilemma

TEENAGERS can be cruel. One was heard saying to his pal on a Glasgow train: “My mum’s trying to use Twitter these days. It’s like watching the raptors in Jurassic Park trying to figure out how to open the doors.”