Universal message

THE Diary recently mentioned that we prefer to avoid publishing outlandish sci-fi narratives, though we’re always delighted to bring you stories that are chock-full of science, minus the speculative fiction.

We must admit, however, that genuine science is often as ditzy as anything cobbled together by HG Wells or Jules Verne.

For instance, physicists have bashfully conceded that the universe appears to be expanding faster than it should be, and they’ve no idea why.

Reader Karen Stewart was perusing an article about this very topic during breakfast, and informed her husband about the baffling situation.

Without glancing up from his muesli, he muttered: “Universe expanding too fast? It should keep off the donuts, then.”

Food for thought

WE continue our culinary theme, for reader Jeff Naughton notes that climate protestors have advanced their cunning strategy, first throwing soup at a Van Gogh painting, then splatting a wax effigy of King Charles with cake.

Jeff is not impressed.

“They’ve gone from starter to pudding without bothering with a main course,” he grumps. “Couldn’t they have chucked a chop at something before lobbing the cake?”

Money matters

FOOTY fan Lesley Young says: “Some teams play chequebook football, writing large cheques to buy success. After watching Partick Thistle play Queen’s Park recently, I’ve concluded that both those teams do likewise. Unfortunately they use a Blankety Blank chequebook.”


ENGLISH teacher Gwen Stock recalls her early career clambering up the precipitous chalkface of education, when she started work in an Ayrshire high school.

On her first day, the head of department took her aside and offered these words of assurance: “If eejits could fly,” he said, “this place would be an airport.”

Dead giveaway

AND if you think that’s reassuring, how about this? Reader Bruce McNeilly had a brief stay in his local hospital, when one of the sisters on duty said to him with a jaunty wink: “Remember to be nice to all of us nurses. We’re the only ones who keep the doctors from killing you.”

Glory days

CAREER-ORIENTATED reader Gordon Casely gets in touch to inform us that he has an ambition to become a dentist. “And when I do,” adds Gordon, “I’ll name my practice Crowning Glory.”

Package deal

AS Halloween creeps up on us, trying desperately to stifle a blood-curdling cackle, Roddy Young bring us a tall tale of the morbid kind, explaining that a coffin salesman arrived at his door.

So Roddy told him in no uncertain terms: “That's the last thing I need."

Read more from the Diary: The final frontier for Scots Tories