Team work

ELON Musk has bought Twitter, the popular social media site where people who have never met get the thrilling opportunity to connect on a deep level by squabbling all day long.

Having already taken over as CEO, Musk is promising major changes and commenced his reign by firing several senior executives

Worried Herald readers may fear the Diary team could be disbanded in a similar fashion.

Fear not!

We’d never get rid of Junior, our 96-year-old copy boy, who has been with us for 80 years, and has almost got a hang of the job.

Another unsackable staff member is Barbara, the ravenous office sheep. Sturdier than any paper shredder or waste disposal unit, she also doesn’t need plugging in.

Then there’s our crack team of reporters. To underline their excellence, here’s a selection of their finest yarns from our archives…

Small order

A READER dining out in Glasgow heard the lady at the next table – obviously not a fan of an entire glass of ice – say to the waiter: “Diet Coke, please. But with very little ice.”

There was clearly a misunderstanding as the waiter returned with an ice cube on a spoon and said: “We don’t have any ice cubes smaller than this.”

Hairy situation

HOLIDAYING in Spain, a reader realised the couple lying next to him at the hotel pool were from Glasgow when the chap, who was exceedingly hirsute, asked his wife to rub sun-tan lotion on his back. After a few seconds rubbing she exclaimed loudly in an unmistakable west coast accent: “Ma goad, Robert. It’s like rubbing custard on a shag-pile carpet.”

Snooty snipe

A READER, sitting on a train near two ladies who embarked at Whitecraigs Station, realised they were discussing a woman of their acquaintance when one of them said disparagingly: “She’s more can of peas than canapes.”

Rough and ruffer

A READER pondered on the reassurance given by a fierce-looking gent in Glasgow who had a menacing-looking dog with him. He told a woman who stopped to pet the animal: “Don’t worry, hen. She only bites folk I set her on.”

Bracer to braces

ENJOYING a drink in a Glasgow pub, a reader heard a young chap further up the bar, who was sipping a soft drink, decline the offer of a whisky with the remark: “I’m allergic to alcohol.”

As this surprised the folk with him, he added the explanation: “Whenever I take it, I break out in handcuffs.”

False proposition

A DAFFY dentures tale. A reader’s wife had just returned from the dentist, so he asked her how her new false teeth were faring.

She replied most confusingly: “Oh, fine. I’m leaving them out until I get used to them.”