Dressed to impress

PHEW! Halloween is over for another year, meaning the Diary team can crawl out from beneath our desks, where we’ve been huddled in quivering balls of terror for the last few days.

But we’re almost inclined to scarper back under the office furniture, for our cruel readers insist on traumatising us with terrifying tales of their Halloween hijinks, specifically the parties they’ve attended over the last few days.

Colin Brown from Paisley was at a fancy-dress shindig where a lady arrived wearing a most daring and diaphanous petticoat, with a portrait of a famed Austrian psychoanalyst emblazoned across its front.

Our confused reader enquired who she was meant to be.

“I’m a Freudian Slip, of course,” she replied.

Mind your language

A DIARY tale about ice cubes reminds a reader of holidaying with a chum in Spain, where both ladies were enjoying a pre-dinner tipple.

As the bartender arrived with a whole scoop of ice cubes for her drink, the chum shouted: “No, no, no!”

Then, proving how adept we Scots are at learning the local lingo when abroad, she added authoritatively: “Uno piece-o, please.”

Prophet and loss

THE late Baptist minister Billy Graham sired an equally evangelical son, Franklin, who was recently awarded a hefty amount in damages after Glasgow City Council pressured the SEC into cancelling his booking to proselytise.

Notes David Donaldson: “I guess you could now say that paying almost one hundred grand is ‘The Sum Of A Preacher Man’.”

Madcap moniker

EAGLE-EYED Niall Mackie was perusing the Herald on Sunday when he spotted an intriguing yarn about cholesterol, where an authority on such matters was quoted as advising the replacement of some animal proteins in people’s diet.

And who was this expert, you may wonder? Registered nutritionist Anita Bean, of course.

Dolphin dissed

A DIARY mention of certain splendid aquatic beasts reminds Russell Smith from Largs of the idyllic holidays he spent in a seaside town off the Moray coast, where dolphins were known as loupin’ dugs.

And what do dolphins think of this unflattering sobriquet?

One of them, interviewed by the Diary, had this to say in his native dolphinese: “Eee breep, p-weep!”

Which translates into English as: “How very dare you! That’s the last time we do any fancy-schmancy water acrobatics for you humans.”

Mysterious malady

DAFT joke time. Reader Angela Bowers tells us of a chap who visited his GP, complaining he believed himself to be a supermarket .

“How long has this gone on?” inquired the doctor.

“Since I was Lidl,” said the chap.