Marked for success

POLITICALLY-ASTUTE reader Ian Hutcheson points out that our glorious Government has been stumbling through a rocky patch. (Actually the rocks are more like boulders, and when we say boulder, we mean Boulder, Colorado.)

With the frenetic exits and entrances of ministers, it’s not surprising that the law of nominative determinism means that one politico who has managed to cling on to his job for two whole months (and counting) is Minister for Food, Mark Spencer.

“As Diary readers will be aware,” says Ian, “he’s not just a Minister for Food, he’s an M&S Minister for Food.”

Dirty money

THE forward-thinking Diary is predicting what currency to use in the eventuality of Scotland gaining independence.

Richard Davis suggests a return to our nation’s glory days, with the reintroduction of the cash that once jingled in our ancestors’ sporrans.

“Use the groat,” says Richard, “and small change can be referred to as grotty.”


A BARBER in Glasgow city centre tells us of a hirsute customer who was in his chair this week. The fuzzy fellow’s unruly locks spread out in all directions, and as the barber gazed down upon the mangled mop he felt as though he was analysing an aerial diagram of the maze at Hampton Court Palace.

“What do you do to maintain your hair?” said the barber to his customer.

The customer replied: “I brush it.” (Pause.) “Once a month.” (Longer pause.) “If I don’t forget.”

Dead cold

A SCHOOL story in the Diary reminds retired modern studies teacher Linda Weaver of the time she mentioned the Cold War in class.

Said one astute scholar: “Wit’s a cauld war, then? Is zat when ye huv tae fight yer fridge tae the death?”

Nasal gazing

SYMPATHETIC Gavin Murray points out: “Tall people have to worry much more about unruly nostril hair than short folk.”

Just the ‘tick’et

ELON Musk, the new Twitter supremo, is threatening to force high-profile users to pay for the blue tick included in their online profile, which announces the fact that this is no mere mortal, but someone whose every trite remark must be treated with reverence and awe by the great unwashed.

Says reader Liz Watkins . “I now know what I’m getting my son for Christmas. Though I’m not sure a blue tick will fit in the stocking at the end of his bed.”

The blade itself

ONE for the philosophy graduates amongst our readers. Adam Wright says: “I was thinking about the simplest way to shave my face, then I discovered Occam’s Razor.”