Anglo-Saxon attitudes

OUR more observant readers will have noticed that the World Cup is less than a week away. Footy expert Eddy Cavin warns Diary fans to brace themselves for the following clichés.

1) English commentators mentioning 1966.

2) English commentators asking if the England side can follow the example of the Lionesses.

3) English commentators mentioning that someone playing for another country "plies his trade" in the English Premiership.

4) Scottish fans complaining about mentions of 1966, the Lionesses and stars plying their trade in England.

Initial concern

ROPE in hand, stout hobnail boots on our feet, the Diary continues to clamber up the precipitous chalkface that is Scottish education.

English teacher Patricia Fox tells us that she once tried to encourage her pupils in Glasgow’s South Side to read more, so she brought in sample books for them to peruse.

Authors included JK Rowling, CS Lewis and JRR Tolkien.

After glaring at these classic tomes for a few minutes, one outraged young scholar said: “Wit’s wi a’ these initials? Did naebody huv first names in the olden days?”

Bear beware

SHOCKED reader Paul Foster recently discovered that the tall helmets worn by the King’s Guard infantrymen who protect royal homes are still made with genuine bear fur.

Says a scandalised Paul: “Now I understand why the royal family have become so close to Paddington. They want to lull the poor little fellow into a false sense of security before drugging his marmalade sandwiches. Then – bam! – he’ll have a new career as a soldier’s fuzzy bunnet.”

Sarky success

AFTER much pestering, reader Chris Bentley managed to persuade his teenage son, Nigel, to wash the dishes. As the young lad scrubbed plates and glasses, Chris rewarded him with an ironically-slow round of applause.

Nigel responded by saying: “I knew I’d make you sarcastically proud of me one day, dad.”

Neigh very artistic

A HISTORICAL fact from reader Dave Bailey, who says: “There are no more horse-drawn carriages in Scotland because horses really struggle to grip pencils in their hooves while sketching.”

The trip trap

THE Diary continues its latest loopy lark of depluralising famous movies. Says Robert Menzies from

Falkirk: “I can't help thinking that The Thirty Nine Steps should become The 3.9 Steps.”

With a note of regret, he adds: “Unfortunately that’s still a plural… as well as now being a trip hazard.”

Hard to swallow

RAVENOUS reader John Cochrane had a yearning for a fish dish. “Unfortunately I couldn't find any locally,” he sighs, “despite much sole searching.”