Mind your language

FOOTY expert Eddy Cavin is helping Diary readers prepare for the World Cup by revealing the corny clichés which will undoubtedly be spouted on TV.

“Germany will be referred to as "Teutonic",” explains Eddy, “by commentators who don’t know what it means.”

Ring of truth

A FRIEND of reader Michelle Ellison was divorced in her late twenties, and has now been single for more than two decades.

Michelle once inquired if she’d ever like to tie the knot again.

“Never,” snorted the friend, adding, “I like the first couple of rings of marriage, but not the third.”

A confused Michelle asked what she meant, to which the friend responded: “I’m talking about the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and last, but definitely least… the bickering.”

Morality of meh

MORE on the kickyball competition starting next week, which, regrettably, is hosted by Qatar, a nation with a long history of human rights abuses.

A murky fact which leads reader Sam Whitcomb to say: “I’ve never watched football in my life. Though now I can not watch it and feel self-righteous at the same time.”

A tall tale

THE Diary continues its potty plan to depluralise famous movies. Shona Rasinski suggests… The Giraffing Inferno.

(Because, apparently, a tower is a collective noun for giraffes. Yup, we didn’t know that, either.)

O, how clever

EDINBURGH podcaster Ross Foley has been thinking about how Elon Musk can make a go of social media site, Twitter, having bought the company.

“All the big websites have two ‘O’s in their name. Facebook, Google, Yahoo,” says Ross, who therefore concludes that if Elon wants Twitter to be a roaring success he should… “rename it Twittoo”.

(Elon’s a billionaire, so hopefully he’ll chuck at least a few million quid Ross’s way, once he’s adopted his genius notion.)

The percentage game

SCHOOL days, continued. Reader Roger Hicks recalls writing a short story for his English class which he was exceedingly proud of.

The English teacher seemed equally impressed, for having perused the story she said: "That’s not half bad.”

Roger grinned in a rather conceited fashion, whilst thinking about the illustrious literary career he was going to enjoy: winning the Booker Prize, having his novels adapted into Hollywood blockbusters…

This reverie was sadly brought to an end when the teacher continued: “As I was saying, your story’s not half bad. Definitely 49.9% bad, but not half.”

Taking the Mickey

“I’D never go to Disneyland,” says reader Andy Watts, “it’s just a people trap set by a mouse.”

Read more from the Diary: Get ready for the World Cup woes