Glesga grabs glory

SOME surprising news, which the Diary will soon be storing away in that special drawer we keep for outlandish reports, which we label our "Wait… Wit? What?!" file.

For we are informed that Glasgow has been named the UK’s most Christmassy city, with Edinburgh coming in a disappointing sixth.

Results were calculated by highly-qualified boffins in white coats at Oxford University, so they must be true.

No, sorry. We misread the press release.

The survey was actually undertaken by an online jewellery store called Abbott Lyon, though we remain convinced of its unimpeachable veracity.

Even so, the Diary can’t help recalling a remark we once overheard about Glasgow’s annual city centre Christmas market, which was described rather pithily as: “Paddy’s Market with tinsel.”

Kiss and tell

THE mighty yet miniscule jockey Willie Carson celebrated his 80th birthday this week, reminding Ian Noble from Carstairs Village of the time he joined an audience for a Q&A session with the Stirling-born horseman.

After the usual fawning questions about sporting achievements, one audience member asked: "Willie, when you were winching, who carried the bricks?”

Rueful regal rebel

IN the 1970s households were advised to "Go To Work On An Egg". Gaping holes in supermarket shelves now make such an aspiration nigh impossible, and leads reader Jim Morrison to say: “I wonder if that student who threw four eggs at King Charles the other day is perhaps wishing he’d kept them.”

Taking the biscuit

WE mentioned a reader who enjoys a mug of tea, though without any sugar, milk or, indeed, a tea bag. (He just likes hot water mixed with a splash of cold water.)

Reader Jennifer Hay says: “I bet his favourite snack is a plate of biscuits, minus the biscuits.”

Oo, you think?

WE pointed out that most successful internet sites, including Facebook, Google and Yahoo, have a double "O" in their names, leading us to conclude that Elon Musk would have greater success with the social media company he recently bought if he renamed it Twittoo.

Campbell Fullarton from Kilmarnock agrees with our initial insight, though not our conclusion, and says: “Surely since Twitter is the space where wise owls express their opinions, it would be better if it were called Twoowitter.”

Marriage minimised

THE Diary continues its cunningly cockamamie plan to depluralise famous movies. Barrie Crawford looks forward to singing along with the musical… One Bride for One Brother.

Place name puzzle

GEOGRAPHICALLY-MINDED reader Donna Rachel asks: “Is Arkansas a Kansas just for pirates?”

Read more: When water suits him down to a tea