There's always hope...

WHEN Chancellors of the Exchequer deliver a statement to Parliament they usually include teasing titbits to please voters; what commentators call a "rabbit out of the hat" moment.

Not Jeremy Hunt.

Speaking in the House of Commons this week, he reached into his top hat, rummaged around for a bit, then hauled out a weasel which was looking awfully plump and pleased with itself, having gobbled up the rabbit, cute twitching nose and all.

The tax burden is now on track to be the highest since the Second World War, though at least back then we had George Formby to cheer us up.

Now we face a grim future, sans cash… sans George’s ukulele… sans hope.

No, not quite sans hope, for there’s always the Diary, eager to buoy up a beleaguered nation.

The following classic yarns from our archives prove yet again that we are the equivalent of a ukulele on paper, and in this corner of the Herald you can always say: “Turned out nice again…”

Tourist trap

GLASWEGIANS are always keen to help visitors to the city. One Saturday a chap on Dumbarton Road in Partick was stopped by an English tourist, who asked: “Are you familiar with this area?”

Trying to be honest with her, he replied: “Only if you’re looking for a pub.”

She hurried on instead, after thanking him.

Waitress won’t wait

TOURISM continued. An American holidaying in Glasgow was enjoying a meal with friends at an upmarket Merchant City restaurant.

While they were sipping their coffees the waitress appeared at the table, unannounced with the bill, her coat on, and with the request: “Gonnae pay yer bill, so I can catch the last bus home, pal?”

Food for thought

“I INFORMED my husband that he was putting on a bit of weight,” said a woman in a Glasgow coffee shop.

“So he said to me, ‘Tell me something I don’t know.’ So I told him, ‘Salad is delicious.’”

Details dubious

A READER wondered about the young girl whom he heard in the supermarket gossiping with her girlfriend. Her pal asked her for more juicy details. The girl then replied: “I’ve already told you more than I actually know.”

Communication breakdown

WAITING for a train at Hyndland, a reader saw a student-type look at his bleeping phone and then tell his pal: “That’s my mother sending me a text. I’ll give it five minutes, then she’ll phone me to see if I got it.”

Parenting = peddling

FATHERS. They’re so important. (Kind of.) “My dad used to be at work so much during the week,” said a reader, “I thought he was just a man who stayed at my house at weekends to give me cycling lessons.”