Loopy lingo

ECCENTRICS are to be cherished, for without them there could be no Diary, and this section of The Herald would be left completely blank, forcing readers to fill in the strip of white space with oodles of doodles.

Luckily for us there are many quirky folk in this land, including the elderly mother of reader Don Rudman, who is a veritable fountain of wacky wisdom.

The other day Don was telling her that there had been a bit of a "hoo-ha" at his work, to which mum responded: “Hoo-ha? Hoo-ha?! I’ve always had a problem with that word. What’s so great about hoo that it comes before ha? Ha-hoo sounds so much nicer, don’t you think?”

Nefarious knitwear

STROLLING with her husband on a bitterly cold morning, reader Jennifer West spotted a hat and pair of mittens dumped on top of a fence.

Curious about why such items – seemingly in good condition - had been left there, Jennifer went to inspect them, at which point her husband warned: “Don’t touch! Obviously fenced goods.”

Picture this

WE mentioned the other day that, financially speaking, the country is as broke as an incautious pugilist’s nose after a run-in with Tyson Fury’s knuckles.

One person who is certainly feeling the pinch is a young female work colleague of reader Amber Kirby, who recently harrumphed during a lunch break: “I can’t believe all this inflation ‘n stuff. If things get any worse, I won’t be able to afford any new tattoos.”

Cut short

SMARTY-PANTS reader Donna Hobbs, who is a noted authority on both fashion and palaeontology, informs us that t-shirt is an abbreviation of Tyrannosaurus Shirt.

“It’s because of the short arms,” she explains.

Talking balls

SOME of our readers have been indulging in not-so-subtle digs at the expense of a certain kickyball crew from south of Hadrian’s Wall, who will be competing against France in Qatar tomorrow.

A more conciliatory note is struck by reader Eddy Cavin, who says: “I don't understand why Scots fans can't get behind Ingerlandshire in this World Cup. Just think, if they win, they'll stop going on about 1966.”

Yesterday’s Fake News

HISTORY teacher Victor Thomas showed a group of students the biographical film about Winston Churchill, starring Gary Oldman. With a knowing smirk on his face, one unimpressed scholar at the back of the class said afterwards: “Aye, right. As if any o’ that coulda actually happened.”

Questionable question

INQUISITIVE reader Anna Kerr asks: “What would happen if I stopped asking hypothetical questions?”

Read more from the Diary: French garlic bread? That's a pain