Short shrift

SCIENTISTS claimed this week to have proven that Short Man Syndrome is genuine, meaning that wee fellas really are more antagonistic than lankier chaps.

The Diary always suspected this was the case, which is why we only employ diminutive journalists to work in our office, realising they will more aggressively chase exclusive stories on their teensy-weensy legs.

Even the Diary’s esteemed editor is a trifling little bloke, the smallest of us all. (The photo of him that appears on this page is actually life-size.)

He claims that his lowly stature is the reason why he never offers to buy a round during the Diary’s regular afternoon "writing" sessions in the pub. Standing at the bar, he’s invariably mistaken for a truant schoolboy, meaning that instead of purchasing quadruple whiskies for himself and the rest of the gang, he’s liable to get a clip round the ear from the pub landlord, before being ordered home, “tae finish yer Algernometry homework, ye awfy wee scamp”.

The Diary’s reporters may be minor of body, but our body of work is triumphantly major, as the following classic tall tales from our archives prove…

The plane truth

PUB pontifications. A reader was in his local in Bridge of Weir, where a friend was talking about an acquaintance who works at Glasgow Airport.

“She’s got a great job,” he said. “She started out as an air hostess and got quite high up.”

“Well, she would, wouldn’t she?” remarked a chap further up the bar.

Tight not right

OUTRAGEOUS spelling errors. An Edinburgh teacher recalled marking prelim exams where there was a question on limestone caverns. One pupil put forward the interesting theory that "starling tights" hung from the roof of such caverns.

Chain male fail

A MUIREND reader told us a divorced friend was discussing her lack of success in the dating field when she suddenly announced: “Do you think I’m single because I didn’t pass on that chain letter I got 15 years ago?”

Life sucks

SUMMER – remember that? One of our readers did when he told us about the time he was gardening at the weekend when he heard his wife, who was watering flowers, slap herself, then shout over: “Why can’t midges suck out fat instead of blood?”

Confusing conversation

ONE of our readers was parking his car at Ayr Hospital when an official said to him: “You can’t park there, it’s for badge holders only.”

To which our reader replied: “Well, I’m here to see about my bad shoulder.”

Funny peculiar

A HIGHLY suspicious colleague of the Diary once told us: “I may be cynical, but I doubt people on social networks are "laughing out loud" half as much as they claim to be.”

Read more: Making a fuss about a hoo-ha