Wage slaves

THE striking thing about this winter is all the striking. Even Santa’s elves are threatening to down tools unless the Boss Man gives them full-time jobs instead of seasonal employment.

And Mr Claus’s response? He’s swapped his jovial “Ho! Ho! Ho!” for an intransigent “No! No! No!”

Meanwhile, Rudolph says he won’t pull the sleigh unless his wages are doubled – two bales of hay a day, instead of one.

“I knew he was a left-wing agitator,” seethes Santa. “No wonder his nose is red.”

Thankfully the Diary reporters never strike. That’s because they’re manacled to their desks, 24/7. Which isn’t as brutal as it sounds, for we feed them yummy gruel three times a day, and on Christmas Day we even top each cracked wooden bowl with a sprig of holly.

As there are no shirkers on our team, our lucky readers are always assured of the gift of great stories, such as the following classic tales from our archives…

Getting shirty

ARGENTINA playing in the World Cup final in the Middle East tomorrow reminds us of the time an ITV sports broadcaster, commentating on an Argentina v Iran game, said: “A lot of the Iran players have their Christian names on the back of their shirts.”

Bumpy barrier

ANOTHER World Cup commentator was once reporting on France hammering the Swiss when he came up with a memorable line. “Not for the first time,” said he, “a huge mountain exists between France and Switzerland.”

Sitting pretty?

LET’S not forget the mighty English footy team, who sadly didn’t make it all the way to the final. (No tears, gentle reader. They’ll be back. And, hey, there’s always memories of 67… or was it 66? If only English fans discussed it more often, then it would be easier to remember.)

Anyway, regarding an England player of not so long ago…

“I don’t really know my best position. Left, right or centre,” said he.

“Wayne, just get on the plane and pick a seat, will you”

The lock-in

ONE of our readers was once installing six-foot computer cabinets at the design suite used by the Clydeside shipbuilders, Yarrow. It was to be opened the same day by the future King ,who was then Prince Charles.

Said our reader: “At the last minute the security chief realised I hadn’t been security-cleared, so he locked me in one of the cabinets.”

Ramble on

THE friend of a Milngavie reader told his wife he was thinking of joining the local rambler’s club. “Is that walking or talking?” she unkindly inquired.

Exercise surprise

“THE bank phoned me because of suspicious activity on my credit card,” said a chap in a Glasgow pub. “They couldn’t believe I’d joined a gym.”