Mind bog-gling

SCOTTISH cartoonist Nigel Sutherland has been thinking about one of the greatest intellects of world history, a brilliant boffin who puts Copernicus, Newton and Einstein in the shade.

Says Nigel: “Whoever first came up with the idea of putting a hole in the centre of a lavatory seat was a genius. The best inventors are often the least recognised.”

Mathematical amore

WITH Hogmanay fast approaching, reader Helen Kenley decided to crack open the wine bottle, get exceedingly tipsy, and draw a graph describing the trajectory of all the romantic entanglements she has been involved in this year.

“It has an ex axis and a why axis,” says Helen.

Rage of age

MORE morose mutterings. Andrew Barret from Paisley is another reader who finds himself becoming a tad maudlin as Hogmanay prepares to hustle the decrepit old year out the back door, before welcoming through the threshold the whippersnapper that is January.

“It’s embarrassing to admit,” says Andrew, “but I’ve now got to that uncomfortable age where I resent the New Year for being so fresh-faced and innocent, while I’m so ancient and cynical.”

Eye, eye

PRIMARY teacher Debbie Cunningham tells us that she once gave her primary seven class an assignment, then asked if there were any questions.

One little hand shot up into the air, then a question was indeed asked.

“If you squint really, really hard,” said the child, “can you make one of your eyeballs stare at your other eyeball?”

“Funnily enough,” recalls Debbie, “that question had very little to do with the assignment we were covering in class.”

French for beginners

ENJOYING pre-Hogmanay revelries with chums at the local tavern, reader Richard Moore raised aloft his whisky glass, and said: “And now for the eternal Scottish toast… slainte!”

One of his pals immediately got to his feet, held up his own tumbler, then added: “To be followed by the eternal French toast… bread fried in egg with maple syrup drizzled on top.”

Travelling & tippling

OF late reader Brendan Keenan has been tossing and turning in his bed at night, his fevered brain bombarded with philosophical musings of a most profound nature.

He has now decided to share these speculations with the world, for today he gets in touch with us to say: “If you went on holiday to New Orleans, and visited a local bar... would it be a bevvy on the levee?”

Cap that

A WACKY wintry gag from reader Doreen Barrett, who says: “What do snowmen wear on their heads? Ice caps, of course.”